Such a mystery!

I find that I am speechless.

Presently, I am home after a long and radical July... I am miserably sick with a useless head cold. There are fleas in my house that my cousins keep trying to help me get rid of. I am terribly annoyed at myself for allowing these creatures into my home! We are all tired and somewhat out of sorts...

Still, there is no mistaking the ring on my finger... I am engaged. I am engaged?? I am engaged!!! :) Not just engaged to anyone, but to Brent. A man with a heart after God's own heart, that I trust impeccably to lead and love our family well, and will be delighted to serve in ministry alongside...

God is a mysterious being. Through one lens, I look back on the last two years and see a horrific nightmare. Through another lens, I look back and see an unfolding of miracle after miracle and the evidence of all things good.

When Lynn died, in those early moments at the hospital, in which time stood still... my human mind and heart were in shock. But my spirit was so alive and active! I saw Lynn dancing in the heavenlies. I had such a profound peace and inspired knowledge that all was well. God spoke so clearly to me that His timing was perfect. HE was not in shock. HE has been fully prepared and aware of what was coming. And HE had prepared me and was equipping me with everything I needed for the journey... He has led me each and every step of the way. He spoke and I obeyed.

Keep up with me, He said, Keep in step with my Spirit. Grieve now, but it will not be for long. You are needed for the harvest. I am bringing someone to you. You are still called and belong to Me. Heed my voice. Keep in step. And I will take care of the rest. 

I wrestled with financial pressures. I knew I had not been released from a call into ministry, but also saw the practical truth in needing a workable career for a single parent home. Many times I spoke very firmly to the Lord, I AM PUTTING ALL MY EGGS IN ONE BASKET, SO YOU BETTER COME THROUGH!

And did He? Did my God forsake me? or lead me astray? Did He abandon me to my own efforts or let me wallow in my own sorrow?

My God has been completely faithful, in every imaginable way. And I exalt Him as the One true God, who reigns in heaven, on the earth, and under the earth. He has absolute sovereign authority. He is not asleep, or without power. He is not unloving or uncaring towards those who suffer. He did not kill my husband or cause sin and suffering...

There is great mystery in the details of my life. My human mind cannot contain it.

I know only this: that I am blessed beyond measure. That I rejoice with some strange awareness of Lynn's freedom and happiness. That God knew all along about Lynn's lifespan on this earth. That God knew all along about Brent. And mysteriously, for many years, God has been preparing me for a life of ministry, much of which will be realized not with Lynn, but with Brent...

It is an awesome mystery.

And I am awesomely privileged to take part in that great mystery. To have loved and been faithful to a great man of God, whom I continue to love and appreciate more and more... And still to have the opportunity to embrace all things new. To embrace a new life with another great man of God, whom God stood before me as a pillar of strength and a model of redemption...

I am honoured.  I am privileged. Such a mystery.

Leaning into Love.

I close my eyes and see him, sitting tall, back straight, a slight sway forward and back as he moves in rhythm with the Spirit, maybe a hand up to his chin, a position of prayer and intercession as the service moves forward... Then his hands come down and his fingers press into the keys, his touch full of sensitivity and control, as the piano sings his song...

Last weekend, I returned to Truro to visit mine and Lynn's church family, where we had served in ministry for ~6 years. It had been over a year since my last service there, and our family welcomed us with such love, some tears, and lots of joy.

Lynn came alive to me again in that place, in the service that he used to plan, lead, prepare... with the people we loved and served... His presence was everywhere. I could see him, smell him, hear him... almost as though I could reach out and touch him.

I sat in his empty office. I walked where we had walked. I worshipped with those we had worshipped with... And this time, I was there with Brent.

I find it unbearably difficult to embrace such a mixture of emotions all at once. My soul groans as it continues to be stretched, to a greater capacity for pain and a greater capacity for love... I worry about others and how they will feel or experience these changes...

I find loving in the midst of sorrow to be... difficult. Unnatural. Excruciatingly vulnerable.

Typically, we tend to deal with emotional pain by building walls, setting boundaries, learning new coping skills... But to love fully as Jesus loves... To love with a love that covers a multitude of sins, that lays down its life for his friends, that is patient and kind, that rejoices with the truth, that always trusts, always protects, always hopes, and always perseveres... the kind of love that never fails (1 Cor 13) embraces pain.

This is the fellowship of Christ's sufferings. This is perfect love. Love that never pulls back and hides to protect itself, but always reaches out beyond its own realm of comfort to protect someone else. Love that grows in the midst of suffering, instead of withholding itself in the midst of pain...

I believe this kind of love is only possible when we have hidden ourselves in God, are resting in the secret place of the Most High (Ps 91). I think this is the true definition of boundaries. When we live in the shadow of His wings, in the fortress of His peace, we don't have to withhold love to protect our own heart. It is being guarded and hidden in Him, in that place of living water and eternal life. Sin and brokenness cause tremendous pain, but we can keep loving knowing that we will not perish. Love will overcome. Love will never fail.

I feel excruciatingly vulnerable stepping into this new relationship. Stepping back into old relationships, with people and places where Lynn and I were one, stepping now as someone new or changed... Daring to love again has been just about the hardest part of this whole journey. Building up walls of isolation is destructive long-term, but easier. Letting one's heart grow cold and hard... causes deep despair, maybe life-long depression. But still, its easier isn't it? Easier than suffering?

For me, love is a part of living. God is life and God is love. These two are inseparable.

Still, even now, I work to "choose life in the through". Presently, this seems to require a willingness to expose my heart to more and more love, which feels like more and more suffering...

Through excruciating pain comes immeasurable joy.

This work that God is doing in my heart is supernatural. It is not humanly possible. I am incapable of this kind of radical change and transformational healing...

I am leaning into Love.

When gravity lies.

(Disclaimer: This is raw. Not perfectly written or perfectly expressed...)

A moment hung in the air... Everything was silent.

What did he say? I didn't hear that right... I couldn't have. It just doesn't make sense. What did you say?

I said, the marriage is over. We're getting a divorce. 

There are moments in life that launch us beyond the realm of "sense". Beyond the place where feet are able to touch the ground and feel its surety.  Where hands are able to reach out and grab a hold, expecting not to fall... Where the "laws of life" that we think are real and true, as real and true as the laws of nature, collapse...

The marriage is over. We're getting a divorce. 

His heart stopped. He stopped breathing. He died. 

I'm sorry. She's gone.

I was raped.  And I'm pregnant. 

She will never be able to have children. 

Your son has cancer. 

These moments launch us into a new realm we did not know existed. Of course we'd read about it. We saw shows about it on TV... We knew of someone else it happened to...

But to me? For me, in my own experience, it's real. I didn't know this was real.

Then "they" say, She's gone off the deep end. We're worried about her choices. Why is he with someone else so soon? She should be selling the house. She needs to see the doctor. They should be happy to adopt. He should get his affairs in order. 

People speak often times of what they do not know.  "They" speak to the bereaved as though "life laws" still apply. That the normal expectations of life should remain intact after a life has been brutally launched into the realm of catastrophic loss. They see in simple systems. Do this. And get this. This = this. Naturally.

It is sometimes as if the church is calling to the bereaved, come back into our system and everything will turn out for good. You'll see! It says right here in Scripture! (Here, "they" typically quote Rom 8:28 or Jeremiah 29:11, both very true and powerful verses I might add.)

But these "systems", man-made systems, did not hold fast for the one to whom they speak!! The bereaved is lost in a world where systems collapse, with no consistent or predictable outcome... He now finds himself in a world where gravity lies. Where someone can be alive and then suddenly be dead. Where life can be done "right", and still end up in shambles, in shame, in unbearable pain. There is no longer an up from down. There is no specific protocol to follow that will result in specific consequences. The systems that the world puts in place lie...

I did everything the right way, and this is where it took me. I married a Christian man. I was faithful. We served the Lord... I worked so hard and overcame so much... 

Like a cruel trick, her world disappeared. The world she once reached out and grasped had somehow vanished. And then watched as she fell on her face.

I lost so much... my life, my identity, my entire sense of being...

The church tends to say to broken people, Do this! and you will have this! Come to church, sit in the pew, make the right choices, and everything will be fine!!!

But Jesus looks at these broken people, people who've been thrown beyond the "system" of the church into a realm of true soulful brokenness, where a person knows his shame, she can see her sin, he can feel is fear...

And Jesus waits... This is VERY important.

Because in the waiting... Jesus is wooing.

The realm where earthly systems have collapsed is the exact place the living Jesus longs to meet us face to face. It is a place of intersection. Where the laws of the Spirit, of the kingdom of heaven, take over where the systems of this earth have failed.

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven... Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:3-10)

These are points of intersection where Jesus meets us in Person. No earthly system qualification necessary.

A broken person doesn't need the church to "fix" her with their earthly systems and how to's...

She needs help to stay exactly where she is, in a fiery furnace so hot she can hardly stand to be in her own burning and chaffing skin, and WAIT for an encounter with the living Saviour. 

This is the hardest thing for the church to do. For the bereaved to do. WAIT. Wait in excruciating pain and emptiness??? Impossible!? Excruciating. WAIT. And trust that goodness will come. Not because of an earthly system of do's and don'ts, but because our Jesus is ALIVE. And he is still in the business of healing and restoring broken lives.

If you are uncomfortable with another person's grief, than you cannot be Jesus to them in that place. You will try to bring them out of the realm of brokenness into your "system" of "life laws" in which you are much more comfortable. Not understanding that your job is not to take them out of it, they are in the exact right place, a perfect place, right where Jesus wants them... Your job, the church's job, is to comfort and support them as long as it takes, in and through the fiery furnace. Wait with them. Help them to wait in their brokenness for an encounter with the living God. 

"They" say to the "lost", You have to trust God!! But I am asking the church, Do YOU trust God?? Enough to let Him actually show up???

The finale after a day of great wrestle...

Catastrophic loss... 

Those early months after Lynn's death were supersaturated with the sense of total devastation and loss, the aftermath of a powerful bomb that leaves nothing but dust and ashes... catastrophic loss, as Jerry Sittser called it.

I had stood and looked around me. All was lost. Nothing was left but the ruins of a once prominent and beautiful city.

Interestingly, www.blueletterbible.org says this of the widow:  a city stripped of its inhabitants and riches is represented under the figure of a widow.

The vulnerability. The shame. The emptiness. The loss. So clearly depicted in the profound depth of this image.

Right now, my heart throbs for broken women. What label are you wearing?? widowed? divorced? single? barren? adulterer? harlot? The heart of God pounds within me, pressing to come forth in fiery passion. My God is jealous over these women!! ...as He has been over me. For I am His Bride. You are His BRIDE! 

Will the God of everlasting love, of absolute goodness and sovereign power, the God who set this story in motion with the beginning of creation, the God who patiently and diligently drew Israel back to Himself again and again, ultimately to send forth His own Son, His Word becoming flesh, taking on the form of a man and being obedient unto death, even death on a cross, to be raised again to new life, to conquer hell, to overcome this world of death, to make a way of salvation, to ascend into heaven victorious, to sit at the right hand of God, having gained the authority in heaven, on earth, and under the earth, and to pour out His very Spirit upon all flesh, the same Spirit that rose Christ from the grave to dwell in us...

Will this God, leave His Bride stripped of her inhabitants and riches??? Will He leave her vulnerable? Will He leave her in shame? In scorn? In emptiness? In woundedness? In fear? In lack? In poverty?

My God, the God of the universe, the One I know and love and serve with every breath, each belonging to Him... This God, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the Great I Am... He will not.

I am the Bride of Christ. Are you? Are you His? If you are His, if you are in Christ, then you have a rich inheritance, a sure and secure inheritance of a heavenly kingdom that you hold right now in your hand.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Heb 11:1).

God allowed me to stand in total devastation and loss, in ruins, a city stripped of its inhabitants and riches, in utter darkness and despair... And in that place, He is teaching me about the riches of His Kingdom. He is teaching me about my identity as a child of God, a daughter of the King. He is teaching me about my inheritance in Christ.

Because of catastrophic loss, I am learning to live in the supernatural. It is not some hyped up experience of super-spirituality. It is rather a knowing of who I am and what is true.

Am I ruined? Am I shamed? Am I empty? Am I abandoned to darkness and despair for all of eternity? Is God no longer good? Is unfaithful or unworthy of my life and devotion? In my natural self, I would have said, Yes. But as a BRIDE, as a daughter of the King, as new creation in Christ Jesus, born again of the Spirit into a kingdom, a family, that is super-natural, that supersedes this realm of depraved humanity... I am rich. I am clothed in white. I have been given every spiritual blessing under heaven. I am anointed. I am beloved. I am His bride, and He has betrothed me to Himself in righteousness, in justice, even in faithfulness, I am His. I am bought with a price. I am not my own. Therefore I stand, confident in His goodness. Confident in His faithfulness. Confident in His ability to make change and power to bear on my life*.

Every day, I must work to believe this. I labor to rest in His trustworthiness (Heb 4:11). I look at my feet. Where are they standing? Are they standing in ruins? In dust and ashes? in a depraved humanity, poor and in lack? Or are they standing in a wide and spacious place (Ps 31:8)? Are they standing "in Christ"? Are they standing in a realm where human feet can walk on water, can know joy, and can be contented in the Perfect Peace of His Presence?

This is an incredibly difficult "job" that my Father has assigned to me. To stand in absolute lack and devastation, wretched "widowhood", declaring His Kingdom come, and His will to be done, here on earth as it is in heaven. I am not in lack. My cup is full. Therefore, I can give and love freely. For I, too, am jealous over His Bride. I, too, long to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Ps 27:13). I long to take the hand of each and every woman who resides in ruins, and gently guide her into His glorious riches (Phil 4:19), to be healed and restored in His everlasting love, as I am being restored, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute...

Jesus answered and said to them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in the one he has sent.” (John 6:29)

*Graham Cook

Empty spaces

I am woman.

In my heart of hearts, I secretly carry... empty spaces.

What do I do with these empty spaces?

A woman's empty spaces are longing to be filled. Deep down they know, that once upon a time, they were filled.

A woman's inner soul was designed and created as filled, always to be filled, and never to know emptiness.

When God created Eve, the mother of all living, it was as though he was forming me out of the dust, all of her children, all of the generations to follow... Somehow intrinsically present on that day of glorious creation... In my heart of hearts, I am the same as my ancestor. I have her frame. Together we were made in His image, formed out of the dust of the earth, with a rib taken out of my counterpart, Adam.

But unlike Eve, I was born into a broken world, a world of separation, isolation, and loss. I was cut off from the Breath of Life that so pervaded Eve's being, filling her to completion, saturating her with His Presence of Peace and Perfect Love.

My soul is not pure and blameless as was our Mother, the newborn Eve. My soul is filled, but not with the pure and pervasive Breathe of the Living God. My soul is filled with junk, with baggage, with anger, woundedness, bitterness, and regret. These are as rocks to my soul, heavy stones that take up space and weigh me down, leaving gaping holes, empty spaces... Empty spaces that are longing to be filled.

These stones of sin and regret make me feel ugly and unlovable. They make me question my worth, my ancestry, who I am and what my purpose is. They send forth cascading shadows of doubt and fear, that pervade my empty spaces with darkness instead of light, shame instead of love, and death instead of life.

I am woman. Whether I am married or single, old or young, widowed or divorced, with children or without, in my heart of hearts, I secretly wrestle with this question...

What do I do with my empty spaces? Who will love me there?

The One and the One.

On Lynn's birthday, I indulged myself in the past. I leaned back and sank deep beneath the waves of sorrow and loss, allowing memory after memory to wash over me...

In that place, I wrote these words... I still feel like your [Lynn's] wife.

It is important to me that I provide more context to the struggle that gave expression to those words... It is a simple struggle. One between past and present... A struggle of letting go, and living in "TODAY" (a prophetic proclamation, Heb 4:7).

"TODAY" is where I am fully present in the Presence of the Most High God, living and breathing in His rest, His perfect peace... "TODAY" is where I am alive to Him, keeping in step with His Spirit, steady and faithful, in tune and aware of His voice of guidance, wisdom, and truth... "TODAY" is where my girls are living and breathing, feeling and thinking. They are not living in the past. They alive to the present... Our breath is in "TODAY". And "TODAY", is where I am not Lynn's wife, but I am, in time, preparing to be someone else's.

There are so many people who knew Lynn and I together. Who recognize Lynn as such a huge part of my past... So many people honour him and honour me by keeping his memory alive...

I am torn right now. Remembering the "deceased" is so crucial and important to the bereaved. But still, it is not supposed to bind a living person to the past, a hindrance or bondage that keeps them from stepping fully into "TODAY"...

This has been my wrestle. "TODAY" I am dating towards marriage with Oliver Brent Dongell. I am absolutely falling in love with him and see God's hand all over our relationship. It is complicated. I am still grieving. In some ways, it is very "soon", though there is no acceptable or "normal" timeline. 

When I married Lynn, he was "the One". I always said it was like two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together; we were so "meant for each other". We were bound in the oneness of marriage and call. This is an intensely deep union, for anyone who knows it. Oneness in marriage and oneness in call...

If (when) I marry Brent, he is "the One". We will be bound together in the oneness of marriage and call. An intensely deep union that echoes the many harmonies of God's redemptive plan, the fullness of our salvation in Him, His perfect love and never-ending grace...

I am in transition. I was with "the One" and now I am preparing to be with "the One". Two completely different men. Two completely different unions.

Some days, it just leaves my heart and mind a dizzy mess.

I am learning how to be at peace with a life that I cannot understand. There is nothing I can do about it. I didn't mean to be in this predicament. I didn't ever imagine that Lynn would die, so stubborn he was about our 75 year marriage contract... But here I am, being called into "TODAY", down a new path, into a new union, with a same/old and new call... but with a different man. My future "the One".

Lynn was the One, and Brent will be the One. And right now, I love them both.

I am somewhere in the middle.

Someone tell me how to feel...

Good morning, Lynn.

Happy birthday… This is the second time since your death that the world has turned, the days and months have passed, and lo and behold, another year gone by. It is May 26th again… Your birthday seems to bring out in me a very deep, bitter grief. It seems so unfair that time keeps moving forward after you've died. It seems so incredible bitter to face a day when we should be celebrating your life, but you're dead. Birthdays seem to bring out in me the bitter anger that death wasn't supposed to happen, especially not so soon.

I wish I could talk to you face-to-face today. I wish you could tell me how I'm supposed to feel… Do you want me to celebrate you today? Can I celebrate that you lived, that we loved, and that you died? Am I happy that you're happy in glory? and that I'm here trying to move forward without you?

I have a mixture of odd and happy memories of when we used to celebrate your birthday together. Even then, we didn't know how to feel! You wanted to be celebrated, to be loved and valued, but you were very sensitive about your birthday... We would invite friends over, who all knew they were there to celebrate you on your birthday, but because they loved you, tried to pretend it wasn't :). You didn't want anyone to draw attention it. You didn't want people acknowledging it. This had nothing to do with aging, or a ridiculous sense of pride/insecurity that couldn't handle the attention. Your birthday was the day you grieved. You grieved for your family. You grieved for your childhood. You grieved for the happy memories, the way things were, when your birthday was privately cherished in your own American home, sitting around the kitchen table with loving parents, happy siblings, a mom who would make you a chilled lemon dessert instead of a birthday cake, because you hated cake…

Your last birthday with us was definitely our favourite. The girls were so excited to crown you as their king with the homemade, construction paper crowns they had made. We were so happy to give you your runners belt, which was something you had really wanted/needed for your runs. And it was a special treat, a blast from the past, to give you the first season of the Muppets. Did I make you an Indian meal that day?? Yes, I think I remember it took me hours to prepare!! We were very happy May 26, 2012.

I seemed to go through my many emotions of grief throughout the day yesterday. I was so blessed at church, but really struggled in worship. When they started singing "Blessed Be Your Name" I wanted to scream. I felt like I was spitting some of those words out of my mouth, not singing them, so bitter they tasted to me. I did not feel like rejoicing in my trials, or celebrating God's goodness. I felt instead like, Naomi, "Please call me Mara, for the Lord has dealt bitterly with me." (Ruth 1:20)

Everyone keeps on congratulating me on meeting and dating someone new. They want it to mean that there is no more pain. They want it to mean that we can wipe away the pain of grief and celebrate something new and good. But to wipe away the pain is like taking your memory away with it. Meeting someone new doesn't erase the 11 years I spent with you, loving you. Doesn't make your death make sense. Doesn't lessen the grief of losing you in any way. It is a blessing to begin something new, to plant a new tree in my garden*, but the stump is still there, and always will be… I don't like being congratulated because I feel like its supposed to mean that I don't remember you anymore.

So true to tradition, this birthday holds again a mixture of emotions… How do I honour you today? How do I celebrate you when you're gone, when others expect me to be "moving on" out of grief and into something new and good? They seem to forget that in this world there will be trouble. That in this world we have both, simultaneously, grief and sorrow and loss, and blessing and goodness and joy.

I want to celebrate the blessings, but not when it seems to encourage others to forget about you…

I still feel like your wife. I don't really know how to do this. I wish you were here to talk to me, to tell me what to do or how to feel…

Happy birthday, my beloved.

*http://abideinmylove.blogspot.ca/2013/01/the-stump.html