A calling.

Oh, how I'd love to be sleeping... But it's the eve of my anniversary and my mind is exploding with memories!  My mom's here, the girls are asleep, the lights are out, the house is quiet...  I MUST write!

I remember the eve of my wedding day, 9 years ago today, maybe close to this very moment...  I was laying in bed, wrestling with the doubts and fears I carried in my heart...  My wedding dress hung in the closet, my vows were written and memorized, and I had written a letter to Lynn in my journal to give to him the next day.  Soon, I would be speaking my vows, binding myself to a man I was powerfully in love with, and entering into a "lifelong" covenant of mutual love and respect.  That special night, I remember closing my eyes, peace reigning in my heart, with the hint of a smile on my face. This was it!

I was honored to be Lynn's wife, because he was so great and loving and kind... but also because I knew God had called me to it.  Being Lynn's wife was a calling to me.  It was not easy, as some might think.  It was a high calling with great expectations.

In recent years, I remember falling back onto my bed in exasperation, begging God for a break from the intensity of my struggle... (Something I will likely share more about as time goes on...)  I remember God speaking to me again and again.. He is a great man, my Daughter.  I have called you to be the great woman behind a great man. 

It may sound terribly prideful, but my role as Lynn's wife played an important part in his life and ministry.  He relied on me for strength, courage, constant encouragement, unconditional love, grace and integrity at all times... He held me to the standard of the Word and did not ever believe in just this once. He was driven by self discipline, passion, and idealism mixed with radical faith and enthusiasm.  He expected sacrifice, humility, and meekness, reigned in strength and a guarded tongue...  How we grew and what we "accomplished" in such a short time is really quite remarkable and exhausts me just thinking about it :)

Lynn loved me with an incredibly powerful love, but he also expected everything.  With his words, he said, I support you.  If you want to do something than do it.  We fought often about this.  His words were true and genuine according to what he believed in his head, but his eyes always told me the tale of his heart... Please don't go.  I need you here.  I need you to stay so I can go...  My decisions to be less involved in church, less persuant of a musical/ministry "career", and more involved behind the scenes was largely due to this great inner struggle, this calling I could not escape from that kept me bound to one purpose.. Be a great woman behind this great man... 

Was it Lynn or was it God? ...asking me to sacrifice my own passions and ambitions in life to love Lynn into his...?  I failed so miserably at this so much of the time.  I was so desperate to escape the confines of wife-hood and motherhood... My bones burned within me, on fire with another calling somehow separate from my calling as Lynn's wife.  In my head, I could never understand it... Why God?  Why do you continue to give me this burning in my bones, a calling and passion to speak your word, to write, to sing... then ask me to sacrifice it in honor of my husband???  How does any of this make sense?  

Now I know a small truth that makes a big difference to my interpretation of these two separate callings.  God knew it was seasonal.

God gave me a great gift in my marriage to Lynn (I look forward to expounding on this in future posts...).  He taught me and is teaching me so much about love, life, faith... But he has also been preparing me for the life ahead.  Though it is foggy and scary and unbelievable on so many levels, there is a calling that remains on my life that has been there since I was a child... a calling that is not seasonal, but rooted and grounded in the depths of my being...  As a child of God and daughter of the King, as a worshipper and an artist, as a believer and lover of God... a calling remains for me to lay down my life and open my heart as a vessel for His Spirit, for His Kingdom to come and His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven...