Am I still breathing?

Lately, I have been unable to write.  Partly due to a deep depression.  Partly due to an overwhelming exhaustion.  Partly due to an inability to grasp anything going on inside my heart and mind...

I want to make life decisions, plan to list my house on the market, but wake up and realize that I don't see enough of the finished puzzle yet... Where am going?  What am I doing?  I had completely devastated myself by deciding that I would just get some anything part time job, pay bills, cook and clean, face the realities of single parenthood and life as a widow... Exhaustion was taking over and my spirit was very dull, my heart numb, the heaviness suffocating.

My friends, Dawn and Philip, came to my rescue and took the girls for some sleepovers. I started to warm up a little and thaw out... My heart began to bleed again and I was soft enough to hear God speaking to me... In my devotionals (I have three different ones I read/listen to on a regular basis) and in the encouragement of mentors, God's Word revived me, His hope began to fill me, and His strength prevailed in my weakness.

In my previous post, I wrote about a new life, what to lay hold of in the future...  But I didn't know who I was, what was left of me, what was left of life after my husband's death...  God had to confront me in my sorrow and show me that it is all still the same.  Everything is 100% different and 100% the same all at the same time.  I am still here, I don't know for how long, but I am still me, still called into full-time ministry, still a vessel for God's kingdom to come and His will to be done here on earth as it is in heaven.  I am still gifted and anointed in all the same ways, called to die to my flesh and live for Christ in all the same ministries as I was before.  Every word that God has ever spoken to me is still true...

For the first time, I feel I can stand firm, exist, breathe, in the context of a life that was filled with Lynn, was then filled with grief and Lynn's death, and know who I am.  I don't know everything.  I still don't know what I'm doing or where I am going, but I remember who I am and that God's call stands firm.

I picture myself standing in the midst of catastrophic loss, in the field of devastation I have written of before, the dusty and barren land leftover after the bomb struck and the shock wave traveled as far as the eye could see...  But instead of being the victim of loss, instead of the trauma of grief, being unable to see anything but my husband's death... I see my feet. I can feel them in my shoes, against the rough terrain of the path underneath... I can feel the muscles in my body coming to life again, recovering from the shock wave and sensing the awareness of their new surroundings... I can lift my head and look around, can see others in the distance, am aware of their need... I see the Church rising, worshippers being called, the saints being equipped... and I hear His voice calling...  I see the twinkle in His eye... Get ready, my daughter.  Your adventures have just begun.

I, Natasha Erskine, am coming to.