I feel a need to share a bit of my heart, especially with my dear church family.
Today is September 16th. Only fourteen days ago, two very busy weeks, my husband was ripped suddenly from me and my two daughters. As much as the Lord was present and has not once let me down, this was violent and traumatic.
I am so blessed to have seen how loved Lynn was and is, and so encouraged by your support. I know the church has grieved and continues to do so, deeply and heavily.
This morning I was at church simply out of "a conscious decision of the will". I can hear Lynn saying that phrase :) Two weeks is not enough time for a wife who spent 11 of her 28 years pouring everything she had into a loving husband, our family, and our ministry together. (I know no one expects it to be.) Lynn and I were very ONE :) He is still a part of my every breath and every thought. We were a strong cord of three strands, bound together by the Holy Spirit and a strong love that could only come from God. We were real, real people with real struggles, but called to offer ourselves as one for the work of God's kingdom here on earth.
Your journey (Lynn would tease me for that word), as a church, is going to be different than mine and move at a different pace. My faith is intact. My First Love is still my First Love and always will be. Pain is not new to me (or any of us) in the context of God's love. I can be in pain and still know how deep and high and wide and long is the Father's love for me. I'm okay. But my grieving will be long and probably slow. Reality is, I have little time for it because of my little ones and all the To Do's.
At night, I lay in my bed, still mostly in shock. I pick up a card or letter from the box by my bed, something Lynn wrote to me from anywhere between 2001 and last month. I read it and laugh and cry and almost feel as though we're talking again... Lynn wrote to me very much like he talked :) Letters are usually 7-8 pages long :) He goes from logical and thoughtful, to poetic and romantic, to totally random, to planning ahead, to insecurities and suddenly feeling vulnerable, back to romantic and poetic...
I have no idea how to exist in the world without him, let alone lead and provide for my family...
So, in times like this morning when I am pulling away, or unwilling to talk, or just emotionally weird... which is hopefully uncharacteristic of me :), just give me time. I need a lot of time.
Lots of love,