Sunday, September 16, 2012

To my church family...

I feel a need to share a bit of my heart, especially with my dear church family.

Today is September 16th.  Only fourteen days ago, two very busy weeks, my husband was ripped suddenly from me and my two daughters.  As much as the Lord was present and has not once let me down, this was violent and traumatic.

I am so blessed to have seen how loved Lynn was and is, and so encouraged by your support.  I know the church has grieved and continues to do so, deeply and heavily.

This morning I was at church simply out of "a conscious decision of the will".  I can hear Lynn saying that phrase :)  Two weeks is not enough time for a wife who spent 11 of her 28 years pouring everything she had into a loving husband, our family, and our ministry together.  (I know no one expects it to be.) Lynn and I were very ONE :)  He is still a part of my every breath and every thought.  We were a strong cord of three strands, bound together by the Holy Spirit and a strong love that could only come from God.  We were real, real people with real struggles, but called to offer ourselves as one for the work of God's kingdom here on earth.

Your journey (Lynn would tease me for that word), as a church, is going to be different than mine and move at a different pace.  My faith is intact.  My First Love is still my First Love and always will be.  Pain is not new to me (or any of us) in the context of God's love.  I can be in pain and still know how deep and high and wide and long is the Father's love for me.  I'm okay.  But my grieving will be long and probably slow.  Reality is, I have little time for it because of my little ones and all the To Do's.

At night,  I lay in my bed, still mostly in shock.  I pick up a card or letter from the box by my bed, something Lynn wrote to me from anywhere between 2001 and last month.  I read it and laugh and cry and almost feel as though we're talking again...  Lynn wrote to me very much like he talked :)  Letters are usually 7-8 pages long :)  He goes from logical and thoughtful, to poetic and romantic, to totally random, to planning ahead, to insecurities and suddenly feeling vulnerable, back to romantic and poetic...

I have no idea how to exist in the world without him, let alone lead and provide for my family...

So, in times like this morning when I am pulling away, or unwilling to talk, or just emotionally weird... which is hopefully uncharacteristic of me :), just give me time.  I need a lot of time.

Lots of love,


  1. Much love to you sweet and beautiful Natasha!
    Angela Woolridge

  2. Beloved Natasha - Deborah, I know exactly how you feel. Our love for our beloveds went very deep - to our very inner core. Pray continuously in the Spirit. Soak to Grace Williams.

    As we discussed last year, you have the call of Deborah the singing prophetess, judge and warrior. God is jealous over you and your call. Your fulfilling of your destiny is a high priority in Pap God's Plan for this nation of Canada which is called to bring healing to the nations.

    Don't think for even a second that God has forsaken you. It is the opposite. I say again, God is jealous over you and will make a way that you did not think possible.

    Lamentations 3 will help you know that even the great prophet Jeremiah suffered through extreme "God-forsaken" months, and in 4:1-2 he says that the gold has dimmed but that us overcomers and sons of God are being made of fine gold - which means that the refiners fire is hotter than others get in order that we can come forth in HIS IMAGE.

    May PAPA God's banner of love cover you and meet every need.
    In JESUS'arms, the waves of dismay will not drown you and the fiery darts of satan will not get even close!
    May HOLY SPIRIT glory wrap all around and seal your heart and emotions and lead you into all truth and your destined path.

    All my love and intercessory prayers,

  3. Thank you for sharing this with us. We continue to pray for God to lead you day by day. So blessed to know how you are resting and grieving with Him.

  4. beautiful, raw, and truthful. thanks for sharing your heart Natasha. Love you and praying for you!

  5. Natasha - this whole thing sucks. Life is so incredibly unfair. So many of us mourn but you most of all. Carve space for yourself. Try not to help other people through their pain - you have enough mourning of your own for the next long while. I wish I could play defense for you and push people away from you.

    May you take the time and space you need even if that means ignoring some of those around you that will, with good intentions, suck your time, energy, and attention away. Everyone seems to want to help yet you really only need a few people who are close (that you pick - don't let people nominate themselves). Do what is right for you and your girls. Don't let anyone tell you to feel differently then you feel - grieve, mourn, be angry. Feel what you feel.

    You are loved,

    Dave Pusey

  6. So hear what you are saying,Natasha and ... Amen also to David Pusey's understanding & honest reply ... David Cumby

  7. Hi Natasha,
    I'm sure you don't remember me, but I'm an aunt to the Mercier gang. I just want to assure you of our prayers for you and your girls. I had not discovered your blog until today, and read your August post and just want to remind you of the words that God has given you.

    (After the crying out of a child under a heavy load, the Lord gently responds...)

    Child of mine, seek me and find
    Try me and see, find peace in Christ
    Let this world go and seek after me
    and the kingdom of my love
    Take hold now of me...
    Lay your burdens down! Lay your burdens down!

    (After the child again crying out, unable to shake the heavy load...) - this part is really soulful :)

    Child of mine, open your eyes!
    The dead things have passed
    Find new life in Christ
    All that I am, I've opened my hand!
    There's no hindrance than to keep you from rest...
    Lay your burdens down! Lay your burdens down!

    Find rest in my fortress of peace!!!

    God bless you, Natasha. You are loved.

    Cathi Johnson

  8. Over the weekend I was thinking ALOT about my brokenness. I wrote about feeling as though I am wearing a tag that says "as is", knowing that when we see something with that on it we assume it has less value because it may be scratched or cracked. There are many things that have more value because it shows its true character, and we as humans are just that, when we can be honest with ourselves enough to be real. At the end I wrote:
    I guess being broken is not really the issue, it's about my view on my brokenness it's about being in a community where I feel comfortable or maybe even vulnerable enough to be real about my brokenness knowing despite my brokenness I am love for being me. I am broken. I am beautiful -AS IS :) so I say to you, you Natasha are loved, you are broken, you are beautiful AS IS ;)