Waiting.

I might as well tell you that I think I've written a book.  It's not actually written down, exactly... More so in my head.  Dangerous things that take place in my own head...  But it's also in my spirit.  And there are days that I feel like my bones might burst if I don't find a way to write it all down...

When Lynn and I first moved to Truro, I had no idea what God's plan was for me.  We were house sitting, Lynn was settling into his new position at IBC, and I remember sitting and listening for hours, literally hours in prayer, enjoying the season of rest and healing. I was so full of hope,  God's love, and His blessing... But I also assumed that, at some point, in His time, I'd get a "And now for your new assignment" word.  I waited and waited.  I got pregnant, we bought a house, still I waited.  I got pregnant again, Lynn was freaking out, I knew I needed a job, still I waited.  God had been investing in me since childhood, preparing me for a life of ministry, but His hand was heavy on me... wait.  I hate waiting.  I hated it.  I wanted, with every fibre of my being, to be working alongside my husband.  I thought we were the perfect team.  Our gifts seemed so perfectly complimentary and our passions aligned.  So, why wasn't I released?  Why am I still waiting!?

When Lynn died (that is very hard to type), God's Spirit was so powerfully with me.  I knew everything was perfect according to His timing, whether or not it made sense to my human mind.  I knew He was in control and that somehow, Lynn's life was complete.  His death wasn't early or late.  Just on time.

I really believe God knew our family would never get the last several years back. I think He held me in place so I wouldn't miss it.  Instead of running amok in the world (Lynn would enjoy that phrase...), I poured myself into my marriage, knowing it was somehow the right thing.  Before September 2nd, I would have given anything to be released, to sing and write and speak and explore the world and see how I fit in it... But now, I am so thankful for every minute I (tried) to put Lynn first... for every time he came home knowing I'd be there and needing my listening ear, every day I spent praying for him and interceding for his ministry, every tender moment we shared as a family, choosing to love the Lord first and love each other no matter the cost... (I think that makes me sound much better than I actually am.)

Obviously, God was also maturing me, teaching me, refining me, and building a strong foundation under my feet... He was drawing me into His love and cultivating that "quiet" strength people sometimes comment about (which I assure you, is not always quiet!).  Drawing me into Himself is always a part of His plan.  But, that began a long time ago and has been a part of my life even longer than I have known Lynn...

So what now, God?  I know who I am and who you've created me to be.  Where's my next step?  Show me the way.  Lead me in the way everlasting...