Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Waiting.

I might as well tell you that I think I've written a book.  It's not actually written down, exactly... More so in my head.  Dangerous things that take place in my own head...  But it's also in my spirit.  And there are days that I feel like my bones might burst if I don't find a way to write it all down...

When Lynn and I first moved to Truro, I had no idea what God's plan was for me.  We were house sitting, Lynn was settling into his new position at IBC, and I remember sitting and listening for hours, literally hours in prayer, enjoying the season of rest and healing. I was so full of hope,  God's love, and His blessing... But I also assumed that, at some point, in His time, I'd get a "And now for your new assignment" word.  I waited and waited.  I got pregnant, we bought a house, still I waited.  I got pregnant again, Lynn was freaking out, I knew I needed a job, still I waited.  God had been investing in me since childhood, preparing me for a life of ministry, but His hand was heavy on me... wait.  I hate waiting.  I hated it.  I wanted, with every fibre of my being, to be working alongside my husband.  I thought we were the perfect team.  Our gifts seemed so perfectly complimentary and our passions aligned.  So, why wasn't I released?  Why am I still waiting!?

When Lynn died (that is very hard to type), God's Spirit was so powerfully with me.  I knew everything was perfect according to His timing, whether or not it made sense to my human mind.  I knew He was in control and that somehow, Lynn's life was complete.  His death wasn't early or late.  Just on time.

I really believe God knew our family would never get the last several years back. I think He held me in place so I wouldn't miss it.  Instead of running amok in the world (Lynn would enjoy that phrase...), I poured myself into my marriage, knowing it was somehow the right thing.  Before September 2nd, I would have given anything to be released, to sing and write and speak and explore the world and see how I fit in it... But now, I am so thankful for every minute I (tried) to put Lynn first... for every time he came home knowing I'd be there and needing my listening ear, every day I spent praying for him and interceding for his ministry, every tender moment we shared as a family, choosing to love the Lord first and love each other no matter the cost... (I think that makes me sound much better than I actually am.)

Obviously, God was also maturing me, teaching me, refining me, and building a strong foundation under my feet... He was drawing me into His love and cultivating that "quiet" strength people sometimes comment about (which I assure you, is not always quiet!).  Drawing me into Himself is always a part of His plan.  But, that began a long time ago and has been a part of my life even longer than I have known Lynn...

So what now, God?  I know who I am and who you've created me to be.  Where's my next step?  Show me the way.  Lead me in the way everlasting...

10 comments:

  1. You are the strongest woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and your strength now astounds me. Know that you are loved and lifted up in prayer.

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  2. Natasha,

    Your journey astounds me, and the beauty and growth you show every time you write is so inspirational. I know this has been an impossible time for you, but your ability to look back on the purpose of such difficult moments and find God's will in every second is a testament to the strength and faith you carry with you and always have. You are so loved, and embraced by all of us near and far. Thank you for sharing your remarkable thoughts in the process, and I am thinking of you every single day.

    Love,
    Julie

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    1. Thank you, Julie. I was so glad to finally meet you!!

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    2. Me too, I was so glad to finally see you in person after so many years of hearing from Lynn about you and the girls. You, Roya and Alea are such strong women, and I hope I can get back up there to see you again someday soon! XOXOXO.

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  3. Lynn was the first person to honestly get to me with God`s word and make it real to me. I am so sorry for your loss. he truely is a great inspiration for everyone. I hope that you find an ever lasting peace.....though I know it will always be hard.

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  4. Natasha - I am so inspired by you: a "woman" after God's own heart - Love you!

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  5. In your last note you mentioned how much you wanted to be the woman in black, and as the wife of the late Lynn Erskine, and homemaker to the beautiful Alea and Roya, you have earned the right to be the widow, but I can't wait to see the beautiful colors that unfold around you as the time passes and you continue to fulfill the life that God has planned for you.

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  6. I will pay for a sitter so that you can come to Father's Resting Place this Friday evening. Side Door is open 7pm. No talking. a time of personal tranformation - celebrating communion in the communion - being intimate with Papa God who is our husband and father to our children. Stay as long as you want and soak in God's presence. Hear the voice of your beloved Bridegroom King and be kissed by His Word which is honey on our lips. www.fathersrestingplace.org

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  7. In time, I believe you will take what's written in your mind and pen it to words for others to read. You are authentic. My heart aches for your loss, but it also aches with anticipation as I see God already at work in you. Your posts challenge me.

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