I started writing my first book today. It is officially started. I'm excited to dig into it... to see what God has in store.
I keep thinking about a quote from the book, The Sisterhood of Widows. (Captivating title isn't it? Don't you long to read that one!?) One widow writes, Many people don't know that even when you're laughing you can still be full of pain inside.
I feel like, for others, time is passing. Life goes on. For me, it seems to stand still...
Tonight, I listened while Alea cried out in bed, missing and wanting Daddy. Then, I listened while Roya spoke reassuringly to her, counselling her through her grief, and reminding her that we'll all be in heaven together soon. She offered to snuggle Alea in her bed until she fell asleep :)
To Alea, Daddy is just absent and she feels anxious and afraid, continually gnawing on her fingers while drool drops to the floor. To Roya, Daddy is in heaven, but we'll be with him soon. In her mind, she just has to wait a little while until we see him again. She doesn't yet grasp that she has a whole life to live before that time comes.
There is still a long road ahead for my daughters. There is still a long road ahead for me.
For instance, I still open Lynn's drawers and smell his shirts. (Maybe I shouldn't disclose that information...) I sleep on his side of the bed, or stretch out in the middle. I read his cards and letters. I write. I try to live trusting that all things work together for the good of those who love [God] and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). On one form I check "Mrs." because I am technically still Lynn's wife. On another form, I check "single" because I am not technically married. Widowhood is complicated.
It seems to be common among widows (there's that word again!) to go at least a year without making any big decisions, allowing time to heal and adjust, not rushing the process... I've had one month and twelve days. Also, it seems common among resource counsellors to suggest that grieving a spouse takes longer than you think. That is to say, I'm going to be in this a while. I'm not going to snap out of it. Smiling doesn't mean I'm over it. I've had two good days where I haven't felt like grief is heavy enough to crush me.
I still need more time and it will probably take longer than you think...
Now, I'm asking you to hang in there with me.