Sunday, October 14, 2012


I started writing my first book today.  It is officially started.  I'm excited to dig into it... to see what God has in store.

I keep thinking about a quote from the book, The Sisterhood of Widows.  (Captivating title isn't it?  Don't you long to read that one!?)  One widow writes, Many people don't know that even when you're laughing you can still be full of pain inside. 

I feel like, for others, time is passing.  Life goes on.  For me, it seems to stand still...

Tonight, I listened while Alea cried out in bed, missing and wanting Daddy.  Then, I listened while Roya spoke reassuringly to her, counselling her through her grief, and reminding her that we'll all be in heaven together soon.  She offered to snuggle Alea in her bed until she fell asleep :)

To Alea, Daddy is just absent and she feels anxious and afraid, continually gnawing on her fingers while drool drops to the floor.  To Roya, Daddy is in heaven, but we'll be with him soon.  In her mind, she just has to wait a little while until we see him again.  She doesn't yet grasp that she has a whole life to live before that time comes.

There is still a long road ahead for my daughters.  There is still a long road ahead for me.

For instance, I still open Lynn's drawers and smell his shirts. (Maybe I shouldn't disclose that information...)  I sleep on his side of the bed, or stretch out in the middle.  I read his cards and letters.  I write.  I try to live trusting that all things work together for the good of those who love [God] and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).  On one form I check "Mrs." because I am technically still Lynn's wife.  On another form, I check "single" because I am not technically married.  Widowhood is complicated.

It seems to be common among widows (there's that word again!) to go at least a year without making any big decisions, allowing time to heal and adjust, not rushing the process...  I've had one month and twelve days.  Also, it seems common among resource counsellors to suggest that grieving a spouse takes longer than you think.  That is to say, I'm going to be in this a while. I'm not going to snap out of it.  Smiling doesn't mean I'm over it.  I've had two good days where I haven't felt like grief is heavy enough to crush me.

I still need more time and it will probably take longer than you think...

Now, I'm asking you to hang in there with me.


  1. I intend to read everything you write. Not because I know where you're at, but because I don't.

  2. Great idea with a book. Don't worry about ever "getting over it".

    God heals all wounds in time. But a scar will remain. But as you learn to embrace the scars of this life as you will find it to be a part of its beauty.

    Remember, there are two goals that you have to work towards. Short term (overcoming shock and crisis) and moving towards the long term goal of mourning the loss of your amazing husband- which will take years- if not a lifetime. But that is okay.

    Know that in time you will be okay.

    Your girls are so sweet. Even though he was taken away too soon, they couldn't have asked for a better father.

    God Bless

  3. From experience with grief, you are doing very well, still a long road ahead but baby steps. One of my favorite quotes is " the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step" and "life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain." You have taken the first step and also learning to not have two left feet ( which from experience is not an easy task lol) but from your writing, I am proud of how you are allowing yourself to feel everything and working through it. A long journey ahead but you are taking it head on. God just shines through you, even in your grief your strength and light just shines and that in itself is a miracle to not only you and your family to see, but to others as well. Keep truckin and you will make it through

  4. I think and pray for you guys ofter. I love how you smell his stuff, I got some of my moms things and have done the dame thing, so either we are both weird or both normal ;) the difference is with mom stuff it's loosing her smell as its in my house. I know it's hard to know your world has stopped and yet others go on, other people will soon for get but you live with constant reminder, I know things will get better for you as I too stand on the promise of Romans 8:28 and have for a long time. Unfortunately thing will never go back to be what you called normal, God has called us to see and learn a new normal, time stands still but moments remain. In Christ's love <3

  5. Natasha,

    You are a most true example of someone who loves her Saviour. To feel so much in your heart when you are in so much amazes me. Let yourself feel and do whatever it takes to get "back" to some sense of life, whatever it may be. I remember when I was 12, my uncle was killed in a car accident on the way home from work. He left behind his widow and 5 little girls ages 5-12. She was a war bride and had not one relative here in Canada. My mother was her only real friend. She kept a worn shirt for years and actually slept with it. This piece of clothing never got washed. Eventually she folded it up and tucked it in her drawer. This year she passed away at the age of 93, and the shirt was found among her belongings. Her daughters never knew she had it or what it was. My mom had told me later in my life.

    You are such a strength to other have made my faith stronger...even knowing of Lynn's great love for his his memory has made me want to strive to be a better living person. Although we may never know what God's plan was when he took Lynn Home, many people have been so blessed just with the lives he touched here on earth. What a legacy to one day tell your girls....and by the way...smell all you want....breath him in....there will be lots of time in the future to get on with your life as you want to. And write down your feelings.....and write your story/book. God Bless and keep you Natasha.

  6. I think that embracing the sting of pain while still trusting God is good is one of the greatest ways we could ever identify with our Savior. To hate the sting and yet still sing How Great Thou Art, even if only through tears. There are worlds sometimes between the head and the heart but somehow you have to try and make sence of both. He knows, He was there just continue to "cling" there's got to be a beautiful and a sunshine somewhere...even if not right time. I pray that in this "time" that God is making beautiful and good you can find rest for your soul, minds, body and spirit...Lord please show her everyday as Your teaching her Your ways, that You do just what You Your time...much love and prayers Natasha for you and your princess'

  7. Natasha...

    we continue to pray for you all. Thank you for continuing to share....even if it's not for us...but just getting your emotions out is healing in and of itself....even if it's a little bit at a time. Take all the time in the world. This is your life...not everybody elses.

    Even though we don't know you that well.....we continue to love you as a sister in Christ..and your children as well.