Alea is 3. She has grown up so much in the last month. I feel so sad that Lynn isn't here to be a part of it. I feel so sad that she won't even remember him.
We had a beautiful birthday weekend with many ups and downs. I was so blessed by our friends and family who helped us celebrate. We had a small party on Saturday, and then left for Moncton to celebrate Jewel's birthday on Sunday (Alea's cousin).
The short getaway to visit my family in Moncton was an excellent diversion. The ride home, however, on Sunday night, was quite traumatic:
I left late, the sky dark and raining, the girls in their jammies. It didn't take long for Alea to conk out, but Roya was unsettled. I had pulled her away from coloring a picture when we left (~8:00pm) and she was determined to finish it in the car. I told her again that we are not able to drive with the light on so she will have to wait and finish it later. Then, just after turning onto the old highway the cousins live off of, she opened her car door. It flung open (I thought it was still child locked) and I had to slow down and pull over, onto no shoulder, half in a ditch, with fast cars and trucks zooming past at high speed. I was upset and she was scared. Okay, we got all put back together, let's keep going...
No. Roya keeps bugging Alea, trying to wake her up. Then, Alea stirs and cries out. This leads into at least an hour of Alea screaming and hyperventilating in the back, getting sweaty and sometimes screaming ouchy!! Sometimes getting her words out, I don't want to go home!!! I pulled over several times, and every time I did, Roya flung her door open. It's still dark and wet and we're on the side of a busy highway.
Eventually, both of them are screaming and crying and for about 45 minutes, while I drive through the rain and fog across the cobequid pass, the girls scream for Daddy. Roya literally cried, Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! straight for a really long time. (I was actually relieved that, in the context of Alea's crazy screams, she was comfortable letting her feelings out.) I drove and wept. It took close to 3 hours to get home. The girls were exhausted and went right to sleep.
I did not sleep. I put things away and wrestled with God. Do you see my broken family? Do you see how nothing is right? Do you see what we're going through?
In these moments, I feel like Martha in Jn 11. Where were you!? If you had been here, he wouldn't have died! She is bold and determined. She goes into Jesus' presence in a context of love and trust, loyalty and confidence.
Tonight, though, I am much more like Mary, falling at his feet in anguish and grief. My comfort is in those beautiful words, Jesus wept (Jn 11:35). Are you weeping now, Lord?
There are so many rewards and blessings in each day. I am so proud of my daughters. I am so blessed by my home. I have so much support and miraculous provision. Still, my heart is heavy. Does that make me ungrateful? This is a hard and lonely road. Today was hard. Hope was not easy to find.