Monday, October 29, 2012

Ups and Downs.

Alea is 3.  She has grown up so much in the last month.  I feel so sad that Lynn isn't here to be a part of it.  I feel so sad that she won't even remember him.

We had a beautiful birthday weekend with many ups and downs.  I was so blessed by our friends and family who helped us celebrate.  We had a small party on Saturday, and then left for Moncton to celebrate Jewel's birthday on Sunday (Alea's cousin).

The short getaway to visit my family in Moncton was an excellent diversion.  The ride home, however, on Sunday night, was quite traumatic:

I left late, the sky dark and raining, the girls in their jammies. It didn't take long for Alea to conk out, but Roya was unsettled.  I had pulled her away from coloring a picture when we left (~8:00pm) and she was determined to finish it in the car.  I told her again that we are not able to drive with the light on so she will have to wait and finish it later.  Then, just after turning onto the old highway the cousins live off of, she opened her car door.  It flung open (I thought it was still child locked) and I had to slow down and pull over, onto no shoulder, half in a ditch, with fast cars and trucks zooming past at high speed.  I was upset and she was scared.  Okay, we got all put back together, let's keep going...

No.  Roya keeps bugging Alea, trying to wake her up.  Then, Alea stirs and cries out.  This leads into at least an hour of Alea screaming and hyperventilating in the back, getting sweaty and sometimes screaming ouchy!! Sometimes getting her words out, I don't want to go home!!! I pulled over several times, and every time I did, Roya flung her door open.  It's still dark and wet and we're on the side of a busy highway.

Eventually, both of them are screaming and crying and for about 45 minutes, while I drive through the rain and fog across the cobequid pass, the girls scream for Daddy.  Roya literally cried, Daddy!  Daddy!  Daddy! straight for a really long time. (I was actually relieved that, in the context of Alea's crazy screams, she was comfortable letting her feelings out.) I drove and wept.  It took close to 3 hours to get home.  The girls were exhausted and went right to sleep.

I did not sleep.  I put things away and wrestled with God.  Do you see my broken family? Do you see how nothing is right?  Do you see what we're going through?

In these moments, I feel like Martha in Jn 11.  Where were you!?  If you had been here, he wouldn't have died!  She is bold and determined.  She goes into Jesus' presence in a context of love and trust, loyalty and confidence.

Tonight, though, I am much more like Mary, falling at his feet in anguish and grief.  My comfort is in those beautiful words, Jesus wept (Jn 11:35).  Are you weeping now, Lord?

There are so many rewards and blessings in each day.  I am so proud of my daughters.  I am so blessed by my home.  I have so much support and miraculous provision.  Still, my heart is heavy.  Does that make me ungrateful?  This is a hard and lonely road.  Today was hard.  Hope was not easy to find.


  1. this is beautiful Natasha, your journey and constant pursuit of God's heart is stunning. praying for continues openness with your girls and that His comfort would continue to wash over you, wave after wave after wave...enough for each day and then some!

  2. Do not mistaken your grief for a lack of gratitude. The pain you are feeling is real, and the love that you have for the Lord is evident.
    He longs to carry you when the pain is too much to bear. Just rest knowing that He loves you and that this too, shall pass.

    Blessings from your brother in the Lord,


  3. Beloved Natasha, May Holy Spirit invade your room right now and wrap you up in a hot cozy healing blanket of love, peace, joy, and thanksgiving. Do you still have the soaking music I gave you last year? Play them in the car, at home, and at night. Read Isaiah 4: The glory of the Lord is your DEFENSE. The anointing covers you as a cloud by day and a glowing wall of fire by night~ our shelter and hiding place and refuge. We are Bride of Christ warriors and the spiritual battle is getting fiercer but we are equipped with GOD SIZED FAITH and VICTORY when we speak and sing in the Spirit. Read Psalm 149:6 "Sing a new song" and "Let the HIGH PRAISES OF GOD be in your mouth and a 2 EDGED SWORD in your hand to execute vengeance" upon the enemy of your soul and the destiny-destroyer. I am so looking forward to when we can spend an hour together to strengthen and encourage each other in the deep things of God. "Gather my saints together unto me - those who have made a covenant with me by sacrifice" Psalm 50:5 and finally a widow's gold nugget: "O my God, my soul is in despair within me; Therefore I REMEMBER Thee from the land of Jordan (Dove landed on Jesus' head at river) and the PEAKS of Hermon (summits = top victory and joy times)... Deep calls unto deep at the noise of they waterfalls. All Thy breakers and waves have rolled over me". Psalm 42:7. Christ-life is our oxygen. Sending a wave of anointing and peace... Love and hugs Diana xoxoxo

  4. HUGS. Wish I could just be there and sit with you for a while.

  5. Oh Natasha,
    The Lord brought you to my mind this morning, and before Him I sang over you "In Christ ALONE, your hope is found, He IS your Light, your Strength, your Song, This Cornerstone, this SOLID Ground, FIRM through the FIERCEST drought and STORM! What heights of joy, WHAT DEPTHS OF PEACE, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease-YOUR COMFORTER.YOUR ALL IN ALL-Here in the love of Christ-YOU STAND." TODAY, Lord, carry Natasha, and be to her EVERYTHING You promised to be. I love you Natasha.

  6. I cried for you and your girls as I read this. Praying for you - I'm overwhelmed for you and thankful that you have faith - that faith in Jesus has you and your girls.

  7. Thank you so much for sharing your inner most thoughts with us! It helps us to know how to pray for you. My heart aches for you as I read these pages, causing tears to flow, as I call out to God on your behalf. Also, my heart is encouraged, as I see your deep faith and trust in the Lord.