Thursday, October 18, 2012


If you had asked me yesterday whether or not I was currently living in denial, I would have said no.

Then I read my *Grief Share devotional.

It talked about denial as a natural reaction to grief, one of life's most painful events.  Different from the initial state of shock, denial is more dream-like.  Everything is in slow motion.

It goes on, however, to say that at some point, you must make a decision to move beyond the denial.  

I am aware of some of these dynamics in my present state of being.  Shock is gone, and denial is starting to fade.  But the reality of moving forward, living in the awareness that Lynn is no longer a part of my life, is so utterly painful and absurd that I am tempted to hold back!  Let's not lie, denial has its perks!  Still, in denial, all is not well.  My memories are more real than my present, my past more important than my future, my growth... stunted.

This is not about pushing myself forward.  If there's any word I've received from the grief resources I'm reading, it's Don't rush!  Still, the question remains - Am I willing to, at some point, acknowledge that I have to live my life alone? that I'm a single mother?  mainly... that Lynn is no longer a part of my life?

I know I will be in this state of transition for a long time.  It feels like living in two worlds.  In one world, I'm still married to Lynn.  He's my husband.  He finishes my sentences and I finish his.  In another world, I know he's gone.  I know people feel uncomfortable sometimes if I talk about him too much.  I know I'm supposed to act like he's gone because he really is.

The latter world still feels like the fake one.  My dream-world of Lynn seems much more real and much more comforting.

"Holy God, Is it time for me to move on from denial?  Lead me, Lord.  Amen"

*Through a Season of Grief, devotions for your journey from mourning to joy by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard


  1. The journey God has you on is according to His timetable. I trust that He will lead you to the next step when He knows that you are ready.

  2. Don't stop talking about him, and don't worry about other's being uncomfortable. You need to talk......that will ebb away as the time passes. I say deny as long as you need to. At some point the time will ease the hurt and the memories will be more distant and the new things in your life will take the place of the old.......but not yet and not now.....and those who love you understand and I am sure that they will not want you to rush. Be YOU, and those who love YOU will take joy in doing so no matter what stage of life you find yourself in whether that is denial, depression, anger, acceptance, on any step that comes after. I have no clue how the whole after life thing works, but I am sure that Lynn still love you and if he can see you he is cheering you on every step of the way!!!

  3. In a sense, Lynn is with you always in your heart and in your mind. I know that he would give anything to be with you and the girls.

    You are going to make it. You are strong. God is on your side and he will bring you out of the depths.

    When darkness seems to hide his face. I rest on his unchanging grace.

    Unless someone has experienced intense suffering and loss they will have no bearing on what intense darkness and fear feels like.

    But, you have everything that you need to be able to climb out of the pit. But if you feel fear, accept it for what it is. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what life will be like without Lynn. Fear of being alone. Fear of your girls growing up without their father.

    Perfect love casts out all fear. As the days pass and you continue to cling to God (for dear life), allow yourself to go through each of the stages of grief for as long as you need. Once you get to anger, you are doing really good.

    Hang in there girl. Know that you are loved and that God will shelter you from this storm so that you do not have to walk through it alone.


  4. When I got married I met this remarkable woman who was married to my husbands cousin... His cousin died about 10 years ago last spring from cancer and left be hide a wife and 3 boys. This woman, Fay, is still in love with her husband and has devoted her life to raising there boys the best she can with a strong family and in-laws. and her boys are quite well adjusted and some of the best kids I know with a strong faith in the Lord. She still talks about her husband Jeff. The boys still talk about their dad. Coming into that family I feel like i know Jeff, he is still alive through the memories and legacy he left behind. She still misses her husband and so does her kids but she has found a new normal that no doubt has taken years to create. She had/has and awesome marriage that I strive to have and learn from.

    You have/had a great marriage which is not something to just get over or move on from. You are starting to create your new normal. Do not feel morbid about talking about Lynn, it is what you and your girls need. Lynn was a great man who is still affecting people today and will continue as you tell your story. You bless me just like Lynn did with his facebook posts.

    I am continually praying for you and your girls,