If you had asked me yesterday whether or not I was currently living in denial, I would have said no.
Then I read my *Grief Share devotional.
It talked about denial as a natural reaction to grief, one of life's most painful events. Different from the initial state of shock, denial is more dream-like. Everything is in slow motion.
It goes on, however, to say that at some point, you must make a decision to move beyond the denial.
I am aware of some of these dynamics in my present state of being. Shock is gone, and denial is starting to fade. But the reality of moving forward, living in the awareness that Lynn is no longer a part of my life, is so utterly painful and absurd that I am tempted to hold back! Let's not lie, denial has its perks! Still, in denial, all is not well. My memories are more real than my present, my past more important than my future, my growth... stunted.
This is not about pushing myself forward. If there's any word I've received from the grief resources I'm reading, it's Don't rush! Still, the question remains - Am I willing to, at some point, acknowledge that I have to live my life alone? that I'm a single mother? mainly... that Lynn is no longer a part of my life?
I know I will be in this state of transition for a long time. It feels like living in two worlds. In one world, I'm still married to Lynn. He's my husband. He finishes my sentences and I finish his. In another world, I know he's gone. I know people feel uncomfortable sometimes if I talk about him too much. I know I'm supposed to act like he's gone because he really is.
The latter world still feels like the fake one. My dream-world of Lynn seems much more real and much more comforting.
"Holy God, Is it time for me to move on from denial? Lead me, Lord. Amen"
*Through a Season of Grief, devotions for your journey from mourning to joy by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard