...come satisfy until I am more in need of You. (Kathryn Scott, Breathe on Me Now)
There is so much I want to say about my day. So many memories of Lynn that have captured my mind and heart throughout all the ups and downs of today... I watched some of my senior recital DVD from 2006 when I surprised Lynn with a song I had written for him called, You are My King. I laughed and wept. Then I watched us close off the night with our duet, The Prayer - a classic. I laughed a lot over this one because the recording is so terrible. Lynn would have hated watching it! I laughed at so many memories of us doing music together and how we were so competitive and perfectionistic in our own ways. But what can I say? When we had it, we had it :)
It reminds me of Alea's phrase that I keep trying to write about, but can't find the right words... When she saw Daddy in the casket at the front of the church building, she became very agitated (mild understatement). The words that came out of her mouth at two years old were, Why won't he get up? and Where's the music? Several times since that day, she has repeated that phrase, and there's no music. For her, it captures the void she feels without Lynn.
At the end of a day that seems to have depleted my resources, Where's the music?
Then, I hear this prayer come through the speakers of my IPod dock: come satisfy until I am more in need of You.
Is this really what you want me to pray, God? That I might be more in need of You? That I haven't suffered enough, haven't been low enough? The cost of my praise isn't high enough?
God is boldly confronting me in my grief and asking me for more. He knows me. Before a word is on my tongue, He knows it. He is reaching into that part of me deep inside that says, This is my life, or I want it my way, or NO MORE PAIN!
He knows what's coming and He's doing a fast work. Do you own your life? Or do I? Which is it going to be, cause we're going all the way.
I learned a long time ago to embrace suffering, to allow God to shape me in the context of pain. But I don't feel happy about it. Where is the music?
The answer, God, is yes. You may have my life and do with it what you will. I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Gal 2:20)
I believe, help me in my unbelief. (Mark 9:24)