Today was the day. I knew it was coming. I had a hunch it would be today... It was time to visit the spot.
I sat beside the spot on the grass where my husband had lain before the paramedics lifted his body into the ambulance. I listened while Andrew revisited that night and told me everything he could remember. I longed for a sense of closeness, longing as Lynn's wife, to be with him in those last moments. I wanted to enter in to any amount of pain or fear he might have felt, longing to hold his hand and smile into his eyes...
This is actually not as bad as it might sound. It is grief, but it is also healing. It's just something I needed to do. If there is anything I've learned about grief, it's that you cannot heal unless you grieve! (...and don't rush!)
Listening to my friend share his thoughts and memories of that experience, God strengthened me. I knew He was in control on that night, His fingerprints were on everything. But to hear Andrew's perspective helped to abase the fears that crept into my heart, Did he suffer? Was he afraid? Was he lonely? Was he conscious?
I am more confident now that God had not only prepared me for this life-changing event, but he had prepared Lynn. Andrew and I talked about his dreams, ways that God was present, signs that Lynn was peaceful.
I know, with my girls, we have to start establishing a new family. My girls need the security of a new normal... and so do I. I know God has been strengthening me for the road ahead, every step painful but a step, from glory to glory (2 Cor 3:18). I chose many years ago to become an overcomer (Rev 2:7f). I serve a God who reached into the pits of hell and spoke His love that never fails (2 Cor 13:8). He looks at death and says, believe me and you will see the glory of God. (Jn 11:40) I KNOW in whom I have believed!
For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. (2 Tim 1:12)
And so lead me my Good Shepherd, to lie down in green pastures, along the still waters, restore my soul. Lead me in the way everlasting for Your name's sake. (Psalm 23)