Monday, October 1, 2012


Tomorrow marks one month.  Is that possible?

I love to write, but deliberate over how much to share online... I'm amazed at your comments and thoughtfulness and that you continue to pray.

I wish I had words to describe what I am going through.  For me, it is almost as fresh as day one, minus the constant sensation of needing to "throw up".  I have yet to talk to anyone who's lived through it and can relate.  I do have a woman to connect with down the road, but even then, everyone's grief is unique.

I feel such a burden to connect with all those loved ones who are here, lifting me up in prayer, have offered such support and generosity... I want to thank each one of you from the bottom of my heart, but I find myself unable to cope with the pressures of each day.  I want to give as I love to give... but I find myself vulnerable and weak instead.  My heart is truly broken.  I am the needy one.

Grief has become an astounding topic for me.  Down the road I hope to think on it more and possibly write about it....  There are so many things I am noticing, so many things you become aware of when confronted with death.  There is a raw, basic, human response to death that is often beautiful and full of expression.  But it exists within a culture that seems to quickly cover it up, hide its own humanity, and pretend that death does not exist.  So how is one to grieve?  Tell me?  As a wife who will spend countless months mourning her husband, how do I swallow my emotion to pay the bills, go to countless meetings and appointments, spend hours filling out paperwork, be there for my children and all their needs, go to eye appointments and shop for shoes (for Roya!), and still find the space to grieve?  Where are the weepers and the wailers?  Where is the black dress?

In Christian circles too, we are quick to explain away suffering.  We, as a North American church, do not trust in God's divine goodness, so we fear pain and suffering as though it really might discredit our Maker.  We think that pain means we've sinned, or someone has lost their faith, we need a quick fix.  In short, the North American Church is much like the friends of Job, who did not understand that God's ways are higher than ours, His thoughts higher than our thoughts.

I long for a society that would welcome my weeping (I know many of you would and have!).  I long for the old traditional symbol of wearing black, so everyone can know that I don't fit right now.  I'm not normal.  I can't socialize like I'm supposed to.  One minute I want to weep, another I am stressed and angry, one minute I want to talk, the next I cannot exert the emotional energy to utter a word...

I'm in mourning!  I am needy and out of sorts!  My life is stressful and busy!

I am bringing back the black :)


  1. You are loved, no matter how long you wear black.

  2. The only problem is... I don't have a wardrobe of black!!

  3. Natasha, I read this and my heart breaks! I can relate on not quite the level of losing a spouse, but just over a year ago I lost my step mother to massive heart attack suddenly and almost four years ago lost my best friend and soul mate to cancer at just the age of 26 suddenly. It is ok to be vulnerable to feel weak as I feel like that daily. God is stil my number one in life but the raw human emotion is still there.
    I can still picture the sights, smells, emotions, events, everything as if it were just now and it kills every time. I moved home to be with my father whom I try to be strong for everyday and not show that I am hurting, I don't really know how to cope and to deal but it just happens. Being stressed and angry is normal, wanting to cry all the time then smiling for no reason is normal. The process is not easy and you are right when you say everyone's grief is unique, but the days to get easier and time will go on as it has before but the time you look back on memories and wanna cry is normal, I do that everyday, sometimes break down till I am no good for anything but then somehow, thanks to God, I am able to regain my strength and continue on with life and others. Time for social interaction will come, in time, you will be able to give as I know from personal experience you love to give, you will function without wanting to collapse, I am sure you have probably heard all this already and already know most of what I am saying but it feels right to say it anyway. In time you will smile, not to hide the pain, but to rejoice. Prayer is important, as God is the only who understands all our pain and suffering but in time, you will be able to rejoice with those anf find comfort in those who He has in your life in your church family and whoever else is in your life. I don't know if this is encouraging to you or not, but it was worth a try. To feel I can finally give a piece of encouragement as you had for me so long ago and as I read your posts makes my heart smile and to know that I know you will get through this and come out stronger than you have ever been! Love you lots Tasha and miss you, it has been too long.

  4. Natasha, thank you for your honesty and transparency. I just really appreciate you sharing from your heart and am definitely still praying for you. We love you!

    ~ Karen Wells

  5. Natasha,

    Judging by what I just read, you are on the right path. God is with you and he wants to hear your raw, uncensored prayers.

    Do not worry about other or what they think. Most do not know what it means to grieve the loss of a spouse. Especially at such a young age.

    They do not know what it feels like to have the earth beneath their feet open up and swallow them into a (seemingly) never ending abyss of pain and suffering.

    If you deny yourself the time to grieve, healing cannot take place.

    Do not feel guilty about anything. Give yourself permission to come undone. Alea and Roya will be okay. Kids are resilient. They need to express their pain in a way that they can comprehend. You do not need to have all the answers. You just need to let them know that they are loved and that they are heard.

    Here is something that I have learned from the past year:
    Pain and suffering will bring sympathy from others. But overcoming obstacles (with God's help & over time) will earn their respect and will be a testimony to God's faithfulness and your faith in him.

    And more importantly you will be healthy and whole.

    An example from my life:
    Tonight I unexpectedly met the man my ex-wife left me for. Had it been a year ago I would have been a wreck. But, by God's grace at work in my life over the past year I was okay. I handled it like a champ, and my daughter saw how I responded. That was all God.

    And in time, by God's grace you will be okay. You will be healthy, happy and whole. And Lynn will always live in your heart and mind. But until then, take it one moment at a time and live on your own timeline.

    Take Care of yourself,


  6. As someone who has walked through close death a few times now. I have to say your longing is right. Just make sure you act on it. I didn't grieve for almost two years after my Dad's death, because I was foolishly taking care of everyone else. You need your time to weep, to wail, and sometimes your going to need to lash out (just try and do it at God, he's a little better at taking hurt then other people).
    Things do come into place (not better, just into place) and years down the road you won't feel the pain as much. But you do get keep moving forward what your feeling now isn't a place you stay in. God will gently take you by the hand, as your loving Father and walk you past these shadows and into a place of rest and beauty.

  7. I wish our culture still had a recognized grieving period, a black dress, a time where the community was responsible for paying the bills and buying the shoes and taking care of the needs as they come up. It's what we're made for, its what the deepest parts of us need. It sounds like you have a good community around to help. My prayer is that their memories won't be short. That they will remember dates and will check on you, that they won't forget that you are grieveing and need that time to adjust and heal and mourn.

  8. Natasha: Thank you for being real. Still praying...

  9. Natasha,

    My heart breaks for you....I cannot possibly imagine having your spouse, your best friend, your soulmate torn away from you and being left with two young children......I have been married almost 24 years, have two grown children and just thinking about this happening to me my eyes well up with tears. I panic when I even ask myself what would I do if this had happened to me?

    As for being normal - you ARE normal - Although grieving is entirely a personal and unique process - some of the basic are common to all who grieve....The range of emotions are NORMAL....The feelings, the extreme fatigue, the weight you feel are all NORMAL....It will get better in time, as our Heavenly Father holds you in the palm of His hand and surrounds you and your girls with His tender loving arms. He will never foresake you or abandon you and the girls....And in time, His plan for you and the girls shall be revealed to you....

    Having lost both parents - I am familiar with the pain of losing a loved one and indeed grieving is very personal - there is no way of grieving and there is not set time to do so.

    Take time for yourself - even if it means taking up your friend on her offer to look after the girls for an hour or so, allowing you personal time for yourself.

    Please know Natasha that my family and I continue to lift you and the girls up in prayer daily, we pray that you find rest, comfort and some level of peace in our God and that you be granted the strength and understanding you will need.

    We pray that you be blessed and that your needs be provided for.

    Sadly enough, time heals all wounds, however the scar always remains, but somehow, the anguish takes a back seat to the anguish and rawness of the wound.....

    Lifting you and your girls up in prayer.