Tomorrow marks one month. Is that possible?
I love to write, but deliberate over how much to share online... I'm amazed at your comments and thoughtfulness and that you continue to pray.
I wish I had words to describe what I am going through. For me, it is almost as fresh as day one, minus the constant sensation of needing to "throw up". I have yet to talk to anyone who's lived through it and can relate. I do have a woman to connect with down the road, but even then, everyone's grief is unique.
I feel such a burden to connect with all those loved ones who are here, lifting me up in prayer, have offered such support and generosity... I want to thank each one of you from the bottom of my heart, but I find myself unable to cope with the pressures of each day. I want to give as I love to give... but I find myself vulnerable and weak instead. My heart is truly broken. I am the needy one.
Grief has become an astounding topic for me. Down the road I hope to think on it more and possibly write about it.... There are so many things I am noticing, so many things you become aware of when confronted with death. There is a raw, basic, human response to death that is often beautiful and full of expression. But it exists within a culture that seems to quickly cover it up, hide its own humanity, and pretend that death does not exist. So how is one to grieve? Tell me? As a wife who will spend countless months mourning her husband, how do I swallow my emotion to pay the bills, go to countless meetings and appointments, spend hours filling out paperwork, be there for my children and all their needs, go to eye appointments and shop for shoes (for Roya!), and still find the space to grieve? Where are the weepers and the wailers? Where is the black dress?
In Christian circles too, we are quick to explain away suffering. We, as a North American church, do not trust in God's divine goodness, so we fear pain and suffering as though it really might discredit our Maker. We think that pain means we've sinned, or someone has lost their faith, we need a quick fix. In short, the North American Church is much like the friends of Job, who did not understand that God's ways are higher than ours, His thoughts higher than our thoughts.
I long for a society that would welcome my weeping (I know many of you would and have!). I long for the old traditional symbol of wearing black, so everyone can know that I don't fit right now. I'm not normal. I can't socialize like I'm supposed to. One minute I want to weep, another I am stressed and angry, one minute I want to talk, the next I cannot exert the emotional energy to utter a word...
I'm in mourning! I am needy and out of sorts! My life is stressful and busy!
I am bringing back the black :)