Such a mystery!

I find that I am speechless.

Presently, I am home after a long and radical July... I am miserably sick with a useless head cold. There are fleas in my house that my cousins keep trying to help me get rid of. I am terribly annoyed at myself for allowing these creatures into my home! We are all tired and somewhat out of sorts...

Still, there is no mistaking the ring on my finger... I am engaged. I am engaged?? I am engaged!!! :) Not just engaged to anyone, but to Brent. A man with a heart after God's own heart, that I trust impeccably to lead and love our family well, and will be delighted to serve in ministry alongside...

God is a mysterious being. Through one lens, I look back on the last two years and see a horrific nightmare. Through another lens, I look back and see an unfolding of miracle after miracle and the evidence of all things good.

When Lynn died, in those early moments at the hospital, in which time stood still... my human mind and heart were in shock. But my spirit was so alive and active! I saw Lynn dancing in the heavenlies. I had such a profound peace and inspired knowledge that all was well. God spoke so clearly to me that His timing was perfect. HE was not in shock. HE has been fully prepared and aware of what was coming. And HE had prepared me and was equipping me with everything I needed for the journey... He has led me each and every step of the way. He spoke and I obeyed.

Keep up with me, He said, Keep in step with my Spirit. Grieve now, but it will not be for long. You are needed for the harvest. I am bringing someone to you. You are still called and belong to Me. Heed my voice. Keep in step. And I will take care of the rest. 

I wrestled with financial pressures. I knew I had not been released from a call into ministry, but also saw the practical truth in needing a workable career for a single parent home. Many times I spoke very firmly to the Lord, I AM PUTTING ALL MY EGGS IN ONE BASKET, SO YOU BETTER COME THROUGH!

And did He? Did my God forsake me? or lead me astray? Did He abandon me to my own efforts or let me wallow in my own sorrow?

My God has been completely faithful, in every imaginable way. And I exalt Him as the One true God, who reigns in heaven, on the earth, and under the earth. He has absolute sovereign authority. He is not asleep, or without power. He is not unloving or uncaring towards those who suffer. He did not kill my husband or cause sin and suffering...

There is great mystery in the details of my life. My human mind cannot contain it.

I know only this: that I am blessed beyond measure. That I rejoice with some strange awareness of Lynn's freedom and happiness. That God knew all along about Lynn's lifespan on this earth. That God knew all along about Brent. And mysteriously, for many years, God has been preparing me for a life of ministry, much of which will be realized not with Lynn, but with Brent...

It is an awesome mystery.

And I am awesomely privileged to take part in that great mystery. To have loved and been faithful to a great man of God, whom I continue to love and appreciate more and more... And still to have the opportunity to embrace all things new. To embrace a new life with another great man of God, whom God stood before me as a pillar of strength and a model of redemption...

I am honoured.  I am privileged. Such a mystery.

Leaning into Love.

I close my eyes and see him, sitting tall, back straight, a slight sway forward and back as he moves in rhythm with the Spirit, maybe a hand up to his chin, a position of prayer and intercession as the service moves forward... Then his hands come down and his fingers press into the keys, his touch full of sensitivity and control, as the piano sings his song...

Last weekend, I returned to Truro to visit mine and Lynn's church family, where we had served in ministry for ~6 years. It had been over a year since my last service there, and our family welcomed us with such love, some tears, and lots of joy.

Lynn came alive to me again in that place, in the service that he used to plan, lead, prepare... with the people we loved and served... His presence was everywhere. I could see him, smell him, hear him... almost as though I could reach out and touch him.

I sat in his empty office. I walked where we had walked. I worshipped with those we had worshipped with... And this time, I was there with Brent.

I find it unbearably difficult to embrace such a mixture of emotions all at once. My soul groans as it continues to be stretched, to a greater capacity for pain and a greater capacity for love... I worry about others and how they will feel or experience these changes...

I find loving in the midst of sorrow to be... difficult. Unnatural. Excruciatingly vulnerable.

Typically, we tend to deal with emotional pain by building walls, setting boundaries, learning new coping skills... But to love fully as Jesus loves... To love with a love that covers a multitude of sins, that lays down its life for his friends, that is patient and kind, that rejoices with the truth, that always trusts, always protects, always hopes, and always perseveres... the kind of love that never fails (1 Cor 13) embraces pain.

This is the fellowship of Christ's sufferings. This is perfect love. Love that never pulls back and hides to protect itself, but always reaches out beyond its own realm of comfort to protect someone else. Love that grows in the midst of suffering, instead of withholding itself in the midst of pain...

I believe this kind of love is only possible when we have hidden ourselves in God, are resting in the secret place of the Most High (Ps 91). I think this is the true definition of boundaries. When we live in the shadow of His wings, in the fortress of His peace, we don't have to withhold love to protect our own heart. It is being guarded and hidden in Him, in that place of living water and eternal life. Sin and brokenness cause tremendous pain, but we can keep loving knowing that we will not perish. Love will overcome. Love will never fail.

I feel excruciatingly vulnerable stepping into this new relationship. Stepping back into old relationships, with people and places where Lynn and I were one, stepping now as someone new or changed... Daring to love again has been just about the hardest part of this whole journey. Building up walls of isolation is destructive long-term, but easier. Letting one's heart grow cold and hard... causes deep despair, maybe life-long depression. But still, its easier isn't it? Easier than suffering?

For me, love is a part of living. God is life and God is love. These two are inseparable.

Still, even now, I work to "choose life in the through". Presently, this seems to require a willingness to expose my heart to more and more love, which feels like more and more suffering...

Through excruciating pain comes immeasurable joy.

This work that God is doing in my heart is supernatural. It is not humanly possible. I am incapable of this kind of radical change and transformational healing...

I am leaning into Love.