In the moment I looked upon my husband's body and saw death with my own eyes, eternity exploded in my mind, expanding to become the vast majority of my "reality". Lynn's shell was empty, evacuated, left, forsaken, back to the dust. But he was so alive! He lives, I have no doubt, but I can only catch glimpses of his life looking through the veil that lies between life and death, his world and mine.
He is worlds away. And yet, there are days when he seems so close... My thoughts about this have been "conservative" (hopefully meaning, "not crazy"), but I do have my moments...
In the first week after Lynn died, when a dark calamity overtook my home and the thick cloud dripped with the wretchedness of death... I escaped up to my bedroom for a moment of quiet despair. I remember looking up and asking, Lynn, do you see any of this? Do you see what is happening to us? Then, the image of Lynn falling down on his face before the Lord over and over again came to the forefront of my mind. Was I happy? No. Was I blessed? No. Was I even thankful? Only a little. I thought, Of course. You're up there weeping and basking in the presence of our living saviour while I deal with all this! Then I sat up and said, (out loud, I think), Lynn! Get off your face and pay attention down here! :)
Other times, when I was desperate for the peace and comfort only Christ can bring, I entered into wordless prayer, trying to draw near to the Lord... Then, the image of Lynn standing there at the throne of grace would come to the forefront of my mind. It would overtake my thoughts and ability to concentrate, blocking my view of Christ... With eyes closed and waving my hand, almost like swatting at a buzzing fly, I'd say, Lynn! Get out of the way, will ya!? I'm trying to see Jesus!!
It is surreally odd feeling connected to a man who has died and risen again. I do not know how long it will last. But it has been a journey. Seeing him through the veil evokes a myriad of different emotions - anger, sadness, confusion, jealousy, loss, sorrow, depression, etc.
And also joy. I have closed my eyes and travelled there, imagining that day when I'll meet him there... Emotional and experiencing the many wonders of glorification, I see him... walking toward me. He is beautiful. I see the radiance in his smile and the sparkle in his eyes. His driven energy perfected into profound strength and depth of knowledge. Not a quiet strength. But calm. His fears and insecurities I once felt lingering under the surface of his life, a calm and brilliant sea of hope, beauty, and perfected life. The image reminds me of a choral composition he wrote not too long ago called, All will be well.
I had to let the past go before I could dare to see Lynn through the veil. When I see him, I still say, How? How do I live life without you? How do I move forward? I am partially paralyzed by the beauty of him and the awesomeness of our God, and the scary unknown that still lies ahead of me... How is any of this real? What has happened to my life? How is it that you are there and not here?
My life has always been lived with some awareness of what lies on the other side of this life. But now I've had glimpses that excite me even more about God's Kingdom and glory and perfect love. I only wish we could all take a short cut and get there now instead of moving along in this brilliant yet painful journey of redemption, bringing His kingdom come, His will to be done here on earth as it is in heaven...