Thursday, February 7, 2013

A new life.

This morning I rose early, 6:00 am, my usual time (though I'm never REALLY awake before 9am), but this time, unaccompanied.  My early-riser, Alea, rested well this morning, sleeping soundly... I had some water with half a lemon, listened to my "pray-as-you-go" devotional (, did some light stretches, and brewed a cup of coffee.  Then I sat in my glider, a coffee in one hand, my Bible reading on Lynn's IPad in another, and rocked.

It is all so familiar still.  I can close my eyes and see him, every morning, usually in his running gear, sitting and rocking while it is still dark, a coffee in one hand, faithful to his Bible reading in another. I miss his morning ritual.  I miss his presence in our home.  I miss the man I lived for.

My walk toward healing does not lead me upward, as I'd foolishly expected.  I thought the Way everlasting, path of glory to glory, would rise steadily over the troubles of this world, like a brilliant staircase leading upwards toward heaven... Instead, it leads me lower, to new and deeper levels of brokenness and despair, not just to my knees, but flat on my face, virtually hopeless, abandoned, hurting, alone, and confused.

But this thing I know about the Lord, He has always been a God of paradoxes. The upward Way has always been a downward path.  Lose your life to find it. (Matt 10:39; 16:25) Blessed are the poor in spirit. (Matt 5:3) The humble will be lifted up. (James 4:6) In the lowliness of death is the promise of new life.  In the wretchedness of weakness is the promise of great strength.  In the suffering of loss is the wakening of thankfulness. And In the sorrow of brokenness lies the essence of true joy...

Last night, I read in my devotional, Come to Me and rest... I am teaching you a difficult lesson... regain my Presence...*

As I mourn the loss of my husband, I am mourning the loss of my life.  Every part of it is changing and/or gone. The chapter has closed. I know now I will likely move, leaving a blessed life and ministry behind.. Catastrophic loss has left my world unrecognizable, as though death not only stole my husband, but also looted my castle. When I look at my girls, I know we need not only a new normal... but a new life.  Before, we lived for Lynn (in the context of living for Christ).  What do we live for now?   

As I move forward and pursue whatever new life lies ahead...  I hear Jesus' words calling, Come to me... regain My Presence...  

What sort of things will I seek to lay hold of in this new life ahead?  Will I lay hold of a new house? new community? family? friends?  Will I lay hold of a new job? a new career? new schools? new rhythm?  Or in my loss, will I bow low and be lifted up?  Grieve to be comforted? Let go of my life forever to be found only in Him? Will I lay hold of my All in All, my Savior and friend, and come to know the power of His Presence, in all His glorious riches as I have never imagined possible?

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in you, my Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. (Hab 3:17-19, adapted by Beth Moore in Praying God's Word)

*Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace In His Presence, by Sarah Young

1 comment:

  1. Good morning Natasha,

    God Bless you and your sweet daughters. You don't know me but we are sisters in Christ. Please if I may share a moment of your time.

    Sunday after service a lady came up to me and gave me your blog info. She said she felt God wanted her to pass it on to me. She briefly described your story and how your blog has touched her heart.This is my first time on a "blog",(I hope you are able to view it). I told her I would take it to prayer and see how God wants me to help you. And I did. Gods answer was to contact you and He would do the rest.

    So here I am. I'm not so sure Natasha that I'm here for you but rather you may be here for me. Your heart and pain are so real Natasha, you may never know who've you touched with your honesty and words.

    You see my husband went home to be with Jesus just 11 months ago. Although just married almost 5 years Bob was my soul mate. Having been married before, both of us, we always said we lived a life time in those short earthly years. Everyday issues of blended families can either make you or break you. We chose to walk through with open hearts and God leading the way.

    Although our situations are the same Natasha, they are also different. The pain and grief is so real, the morning and bed time routine and the love and messages from family and friends is the same. But I think the worse for me is the time leading up to a specific date whether it be birthdays or any occasion. I'm amazed at how- no matter how hard I try to compose myself with life to avoid a specific date, my body, mind and spirit knows better.

    I have no answers for you or your sweet little girls, but I do have love and gratitude to you for taking the time to download your heart. I realize although I've been functioning and allowing myself the time to grieve when necessary - I acknowledged it and moved on without identifying what I'm truly feeling.

    You my dear are an amazing woman of God. And no one should have to endure the journey that you are on but one day you and I will have the answers to those questions that ripped at our heart strings. If there is anything I can do in any way to lighten your load, please contact me. My e-mail is .

    Natasha I pray Gods' love and peace blanket you as you walk this path, may your ears be open to hear His sweet soft voice.

    Keeping you and your family in prayer

    In Jesus name