I awoke to the unwanted realization... It was just a dream. Just moments have passed, but he's distant now... We were sitting across from each other, I felt his hand, his fingers, we talked and laughed.. his smile, the kindness and joyfulness in his eyes...
I relish those moments, though they are few and far between, when I forget he is gone, enjoy the comfort of his presence in another world... a dreamworld.
It reminds me of some other dreams... Dreams that led me to where I am now... A couple of weeks ago, I wrestled greatly with God, How can I just let things go? Our ministry here is so unfinished? How could you have let it end like this? And now I just walk away? This was followed by two dreams...
The first was the image of Jesus the carpenter. It was dusty terrain, like seeing Joseph in The Nativity, though Jesus looked different, and wore different clothes. But he was there, building a house, as Joseph did, while Mary was away visiting Elizabeth. Jesus looked at me. He was staring at me, in fact, with an eery stillness in the background... The dream began to zoom in on His eyes... First I saw love and kindness, honesty, integrity, purity, strength. But the zoom kept going... almost into His eyes... Then I began to see His fiery determination that screamed at me, YOU ARE MY BRIDE. I'M NEVER GOING TO LET GO. I AM PREPARING A PLACE FOR YOU. I AM THE AUTHOR AND FINISHER OF YOUR FAITH. YOU HAVE NOT CHOSEN ME, BUT I HAVE CHOSEN YOU... Then, like passing from one world into another, the zoom continued and exploded on the other side to reveal behind His determination the armies of heaven, hosts and hosts of fiery chariots and angelic warriors rolling as ripples going forth as far as the eye could see, all within the lens of his pupil... When I had seen my fill, the zoom came out again, like traveling through a warp zone at hyper speed... my eyes still locked with his.
Without a word, by looking into His eyes, God built my confidence in Him. I may be weak and may waver or falter in difficulty, but His eyes were locked on me, my path secure, my victory won. Our Jesus has a covenantal nature. He will not go back on His Word. He will not let go.
Seeing this, my world continued to spin... I wasn't ready to fully receive its message, my heart swirling around in agony over all I was letting go...
The next night I encountered another set of dreams, more like restless images... I was chasing after Lynn, and every time I found him and got a glimpse of him, he turned his back on me and walked away. Everything in me was screaming. I was like a woman being left against her will, her husband packing his bags, loading the trunk, and driving down the road. The woman in sheer panic and hysteria follows after chasing and screaming down the road, though the car is long gone... I woke up feeling angry, bitter, exhausted, the echoes of my own shrill screams resounding in my head. Saying, Okay, fine. Leave me.
Later the next day, I found myself in a quiet place where I pursued answers with the Lord. Somehow I knew it was a goodbye. God and my beloved Lynn had tag teamed to force me to let go and move on. Lynn knew I never would :) He turned his back on me not actually to turn away, but to lead me to a place of goodbye. To help me let go of the old Lynn and embrace the new :) To help me let go of our old life, and embrace... something!
This is just a glimpse into my season of letting go... I can let go, because I know God won't.
This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence... The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever... Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you. (Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, day March 24)