Sunday, April 28, 2013

The gift of life.

The first time I watched the Passion of the Christ, I remember exiting the theatre with Lynn and... maybe Adam Durkee?? I remember saying something like, How dare I not be free.  How dare I let Jesus' pain and suffering go to waste by not being free.

The gift of life...

Many widows stay in the same place.  Many grievers grieve in the context of their memories.  Many, also, feel the need to make a change.  

In 5 days, I will be leaving this house, never returning to live in it again... (I will not technically be moved out in 5 days, but that's another story for another day!)  Here in this place, in the context of my memories, I am both comforted by the nearness of him, and suffocated by the entrapment of the past.  Here in these walls, on the expanse of each space, in every room, I am trapped in what was. What was wonderful, but what was...  With this move, I feel as though I am strapping myself to a large catapult, and pulling the lever to thrust myself up and over the large, gaping expanse that lies between past and present, on into the future.  I have struggled to get here.  I miss him so much.  I hate the thought of being further from him, from what we shared, from who we were...  But I have decided to value life, to keep the faith, and to dare to imagine a new season, a new life, a new me... I have to remind myself that I am not leaving Lynn behind.  I am daring to discover who Lynn will be to my future, who he is in my present...

I lay limp at Jesus' feet while He stares death in the face and challenges it with the gift of life.  It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. (Gal 5:1)

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.  You died to set me free.  Your blood declares my freedom, claims my victory, ensures my healing...

I want to honor you, Father.  I want to love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, and all my mind... I want to worship you by living... By receiving this gift of life.

I always pray this over my daughters, but sometimes, I secretly pray it over myself, too:
May God bless me and keep me, make His face to shine on me, be gracious to me, turn His face toward me, and give me peace... (Numbers 6:24-26)

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