Beloved.

Song of Solomon 2:3-6

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
So is my beloved among the young men.
In his shade I took great delight and sat down,
And his fruit was sweet to my taste.
⁴ He has brought me to his banquet hall,
And his banner over me is love.
⁵ Sustain me with raisin cakes,
Refresh me with apples,
Because I am lovesick.
⁶ Let his left hand be under my head
And his right hand embrace me.

When I read this poetic passage of Scripture, I can close my eyes, go back in time (only a few months!), and remember my beloved husband, and rejoice in the love we shared...

Still, I hear His voice beckoning... I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.  (Song of Solomon 6:3)

Realizing that God is my Beloved Husband brings mixed emotions.  What a comfort to know that God is more than enough for me.  What a blessing to trust in a faithful God for provision and perfect love.

But what about my other beloved?  What about my heart as a wife, still ready and positioned to love?  What about the tangible strength of my husband's embrace and the presence of his warmth at night in bed?

Pressing into the Lord right now is... interesting.  Can I rejoice that I have a loving God when a deep sadness pools at the base of my heart like a heavy sea of loss?  Can I be wooed into the fullness of Him who fills all in all? (Eph 1:23)

It is strange to realize that even God can't replace Lynn.  That's not His design.  And though I ache and long for the day when I will see his face again with new eyes in a new place... He will not be my husband then.  In that day, we will glory together as one, the Bride of Christ, and eat at the Lord's table, our Beloved Bridegroom...

The truth is, as I am coming to accept it, slowly but surely... I am alone. single. not married. My husband is gone. Yes, Lynn is alive.  But, I will never live another day in what was.

I am not happy about this.  This wasn't my plan.  I'm sad, deeply saddened, and sorrowful.

Father, can you woo me to a place where I rejoice in my Beloved Bridegroom, and revel in His Presence when I am longing for the other...?  Does your love permeate the secret places of my heart, all that I am as woman... wife?

Can you make me whole and complete in the fullness of Him who fills all in all?