My 10th Anniversary.

Who could have known that on this day (Dec 19th), my tenth anniversary, that I would be a widow. That the man who balled through our wedding ceremony, who committed his forever to me, who forced me to sign a marriage contract quite specifically bound for 75 years, (at which point, we were then free to re-negotiate)... Who could have known that at that moment, on that day, Sept 2, 2012, around 10:30 at night, a few months shy of our 9th anniversary… Who could have known that he would just… die. At 31 years of age, with no official cause of death... In mere minutes his vibrant, charismatic, and influential life taken, gone from this world. Who could have known?

Today, I look around me… I have two amazing daughters whom I am so honoured and privileged to raise. I learn from them, from who they are… I see Lynn in them. I learn more about him, who he was… We have a beautiful home that is starting to feel like a home… I am learning so much about myself, who I am, who I was, and who I am becoming... I have family that loves me. Friends that are patient with me...

I am so blessed. There's just… no Lynn. No husband. No father of my children. And when I'm not extremely diligent, the emptiness of my loss so easily capitalizes on my weakness and rises above the blessedness of life, overshadowing it with ugliness and despair...

There are memories of Lynn everywhere. Even though I am in a new place, with a new house, some new things, some new people… Lynn is still everywhere. I used to think there was such a fine line between past and present, like my mind could slip into the past so easily, losing sight of the present, later having to struggle to find my way back… But now I think there is no line. Time is an amazing thing. We move forward, but life in the past is never left there. It is a part of us. Who we are in the present. Who we are becoming…

Lately, I hear the echo in my spirit over and over again of this long told Scripture, This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24).  No matter what has happened or is happening or will happen, all of it effects me, but my grounding is in Today. That this day the Lord has made. And for that fact and that fact only I will rejoice and be glad. I come to him NOW in this day with all that I was, all that I am, and all that I will be. This day, in Him, I am perfect. I am whole and complete. I lack nothing.

Life is a mysterious thing. Where it comes from, what it means, when and how it will end, and then what follows… I can not rationally come up with a good reason to live again after death. When I wake up in the morning and my kids are either still asleep or have already woken each other up and begun playing… I lay there. Trying to convince myself to get up and start the day. But why? I freeze beneath the weight of that question. Why? Why get up and live when in an instant it can all disappear? Why get up when there is little meaning to this life without my loved one. Why get up when I know the suffering that this life holds. It tricks us into thinking we can gain, gain, gain, and not have to face the rhythms of life and death, ebb and flow, joy and sorrow, gain and loss…

I get up because, This is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

Dec 19th, was my 10th anniversary. Accept it wasn't. In truth, we didn't even make it to 9 full years of marriage… But still it was this day, 10 years ago, that we beautified ourselves, prepared our hearts, minds, bodies, joined together as one, vowed and committed a lifetime to each other…

I remember everything. Almost every minute of that day… I was aware of every passing moment, each event that took place, as the hours passed throughout the day. I relived what once was as the time ticked by… But yet, this day (the 19th, 2013), is just a day. My wedding was one moment that once was and is now gone. My marriage was something more. Our oneness something even better still...

Life and death. Ebb and flow. Joy and Sorrow. Gain and Loss.