The turn of the calendar seems to have had a substantial impact on me emotionally. As my friend said, A page has turned. And with it, a blanket of despair was laid over my soul.
I remember in one of Beth Moore's Bible Studies, learning the difference between brokenness and demoralization. Brokenness always leads us to intimacy when demoralization keeps us on the couch watching TV...
The heavy blanket of despair that covers my soul feels demoralizing and debilitating. It carries with it a sense of hopeless loss, with no motivation for tomorrow. What joy lies in tomorrow? What joy lies in the present? The blanket of despair would seek to isolate me in my loneliness, cover me in darkness, and fill my soul with hopelessness. The enemy would use despair in loss to re-install the veil that lies between me and the intimate presence of my Saviour and deepest friend, the veil that was torn when Jesus died on the cross to rise again and conquer death and shame and all hopeless losses...
I am deeply wounded over my loss. It gets harder, not easier. My reality gets uglier, not prettier. My dreams are erased, hope seems dashed among the rocks, and waves tear at my soul... I feel brutalized, even vandalized. There is a terrifying randomness to loss*, a harsh reality of isolation. Even in the light of Christ, death has the audacity to mock, sneer, and lurk in the doorways and hallways...
The time to pray has come. Before now I have been carried. I have prayed with no words, with little to no ability to speak out the anguish in my heart. I have prayed the name of Jesus. Jesus. Jesus... My faith has been firm and unshakeable... But my heart... Faith must lead to healing, but healing from catastrophic loss does not come easily.
To have faith is one thing. To be healed is another.
The time to pray has come. I am a worshiper. I am an intercessor. I am a warrior princess in Christ, a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I WILL storm the gates of heaven. I WILL pray when I want to slump. I WILL beat my body into submission... (1 Cor 9:27) and force my feet forward, one step at a time.
I can no longer ride the storm. Today, I am drowning. It is time to pick up the oars and get to work. I have no strength. Little to no motivation. Little to no hope, except the notion that God's Word is true and does not return back to Him void... He WILL accomplish His purposes in my life. (Jer 29:11f) He WILL complete the work He started in my life. (Phil 1:6) He WILL lead me in the way everlasting for His name's sake... (Psalm 139:24)
So shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth; It shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)
*A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser