Is it something about having young children? or is it just me? Does life really move forward this fast?
I wake up in the morning and the day says, Choose life! Choose joy! Learn to live again! But every step forward is a step further away from the past. This grieves my soul. Still, I am learning that to live in my loss, to stay in the past, to NOT move forward, results in a death far more devastating than Lynn's, the death of a soul that is still free to choose...
I have set before you life... now choose life! (Deut 30:15)
My understanding of loss continues to grow and expand with each new day, along with my understanding of life. I MUST live and choose life in the through. My loss cannot define me or my daughters, but nor can I escape it. It will be always be there, the stump in our backyard, shaping us, changing us, bringing a depth of sorrow to our existence and a deeper understanding of life...
I am also learning that to live again requires love, requires learning to love again.
In some ways I feel much braver than ever before. There is a sense in which I know how short life can be and desire to live it to the full... But then I also know the risk involved in loving, the pain of loss. I physically shake over the brokenness and vulnerability such a loss brings... I don't wonder or fear the distant, hypothetical possibility of death. I know it. I've lived it. I've tasted the reality of death and know it could happen to anyone at any time. So do I dare love again? Do I dare pour my love into my children, my family, my friends, knowing that they too could die? Any moment of any day? Do I risk the devastation of another loss that could come into my life? Do I risk love?
But learning to live again requires love. To stop living... that is not an option. So the risk is inevitable. As the soul grows, love deepens. As love deepens, risk skyrockets. Loss becomes even more painful after death...*
*More inspired thoughts from Jerry Sittser's incredible book, A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss.