Almost 5 months... and still counting, every week, every day, every minute.
The month of January has been a month of long, drawn out, constant emotional crisis. I am so thankful for the grief resources that write about the complexities of emotions in grief, the accumulation of multiple losses, the strain of living in a non-grief society... I can honestly say that this month, I have experienced just about every emotion on the Grief Share devotional's list, pretty much all the time, pretty much at the same time...
Denial, rejection, guilt, anger, jealousy, fear, pain, loss, sorrow, apathy, rage, confusion, anxiety, sadness, inadequacy, envy, dread, anguish, betrayal, distrust, loneliness, helplessness, disappointment, resentment, vindictiveness, depression, bitterness, dismay, abandonment, and lack of control. (Not sure about vindictiveness...)
No more the five simple stages of grief!! (Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, in no specific order. *Kubler-Ross model, Wikipedia) The list is much larger and more complex! The emotions become entangled with each other, past hurts lumped in with present hurts, and the depths to which grief reaches continues to expand, deepen, and widen, threatening to overtake my whole being, certainly my life.
I have not coped well this month. I became "unglued" to the point of not recognizing myself, which scared me and only encouraged my emotional anxieties...
I could engage with the long list of reasons why this month has been harder than others, what factors have impacted my "emotional well-being" or lack thereof... But it would be a meaningless journey of nothingness :) Some of them may pop up on my blog over time, but for now, it would not be "beneficial" to discuss (...to use one of Lynn's words when discerning whether to confront or not confront certain issues on a more "public" level.)
In short, being the grieving person... sucks. Can I say that? It sucks. And I have recognized the still small voice, calling me back into a stillness and rest, saying, Remember what I told you? Remember the year? Stop taking burdens, heavy loads onto yourself when you are broken and weak. Rest in me and let me be a guard around your heart. Trust Me to bring you to healing and wholeness. No one can do it but Me.
The bittersweet nature of having so many loving and caring people in my life, is that they all need me to help them help me. This is something I can no longer try to do. It is impossible, (on a scale involving hundreds of people). I am laying it down. I need people, but I cannot bear the burden of helping them help me... Perhaps I'll write more on that another time.
So, I am pulling back a little bit. I am withdrawing from the masses I appreciate and dearly love. I am trying to accept the fact that I cannot yet engage with the church where we were in ministry together and with the vast networks of people that Lynn and I so enjoyed growing and fellowshipping with... This is another layer of loss for me. Another way Lynn's death continue's to impact my life... I cannot stay connected, on my own, to so many people. I have to choose a smaller life that I can more reasonably manage...
The snowball effect of Lynn's death continues to roll over into new layers of depth and brokenness. I am weak and burned out. I need my few. And I need to rest.