Being transformed.

Sister Florence told me that she prays for me every day.  And every day, when she prays for me, she sees my husband, whom she's never met, so happy.  He is soooooo happy! She says, giggling.

Earlier this morning, Roya started giggling while drawing at the kitchen table.  I just got pictures of Daddy in my head!  She said.  Pictures of Daddy in heaven, I asked? Yes, and he was sooo happy! She said with a brilliant smile!

Well, good for you.  That's what I have to say about that!  :) Are you reading tone?  Cause there's definitely tone.

My mom tells me she can hear him laugh.  Every time I get an image of him laughing, it makes me laugh. I remember what a nut he was.  I remember him running naked from the bathroom up to the bedroom! (Sorry! Haha!)  I remember him rocking in the chair doing the ugly laugh, reading something from "the Onion"?  Is that what it's called?

I look at pictures of us as a family, a mom, a dad, and two girls... I recognize everything about Lynn, I could trace his jawline in my sleep.  I know the perfect crevice of his neck where I loved to snuggle in... I can feel his warm skin against my face.  But, I now feel separate from that world.  I don't recognize the me in that picture.  I barely recognize my children.  Now we are different, a different family, formed and shaped by different experiences we've had in the last year.

I am shedding.  I am shedding the things of the past that are not mine to take hold of.  And I am holding on to the things that are...  This process is so deep and profound.  Who, at 29 years old, gets to look at her life, her values, her beliefs, her ministry, and re-evaluate?  Who at 28 years old, stands before her husband's dead body, explains to her 4 and 2 year old that they'll never see their Daddy again, calls her mother-in-law late at night to tell her her son has died at 31 years of age...?  Maybe lots of people.  Lots of people die all around the world.  Lots of young families lose loved ones.  And all of us are given this choice...  to live a life trapped in death, or a life transcended above it. 

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.  Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. (Deut 30:19)

Today, I am calling on the courage to face my new reality with new perspective.  I am calling on the courage to be a person.  I am not one with a husband anymore, but I am me.  I can exist.  I can do the next thing, even on my own.  The word of God is alive and active in me. There is so much life to live.  So much to discover. I summon the courage to embrace this pain once again, to plunge east.  To allow the Holy Spirit to bring revelation into my past and renew my mind, to show me a new way, a better way...

I have written a lot about the remaining call on my family for ministry... The Holy Spirit is pushing pause and taking me back in time... Look, He says.  What do you see? He says.  Let's learn from the past and be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

The Holy Spirit is not satisfied with poor coping mechanisms, or our efforts to survive... He offers us more than that.  In the midst of suffering and despair, He smiles with that twinkle in his eye and says, Just wait!!  Wait till you see what I am making!!  Behold I am doing a new thing!  Do you not perceive it?  I am making waters to come forth out of this wilderness and streams of living water to flow through these deserts!  Then many will see and come to Me and drink of the fountain of life!!

Faith, Christianity, and love are about so much more than passion, services, fellowship and devotionals.  Salvation is the ongoing transformation of our souls from death in darkness to life in Christ.  It is a miracle. Zeal and bible studies do not accomplish this transformation. It is a work of the Spirit. What is impossible with man is possible with God (Lk 18:27). Patience, endurance, and perseverance are forgotten attributes of the faith.  Brokenness is the path toward life.  And humility is worship.

Oooookaaaay. *sigh.  Here we go again.  Yes, Father. I am listening. Yes, Jesus, I am yours.  Yes, Holy Spirit, you are with me.  Go ahead, keep leading.  Show me the Way.  Lead me in the Way everlasting, for Your name's sake.