Here are some thoughts as I wrestle, grieve, and celebrate through the transition of being in relationship with another man…
Lynn is still here. I love him just as much as I always have. How is it possible to love and honor two men?? To keep the memory of the one and embrace a new and different life with the other? One being in heaven and one here on earth, but both men of God in the Spirit?
I feel no shame or hindrance in moving forward, in regards to Lynn being displeased or something like that… I feel like he is complete. He rejoices in what we shared. But most of all, he rejoices with a pure and complete heart, fully satisfied and glorified in the Lord. He perfectly desires God's perfect will.
My brother Robbie felt that Lynn would be honoured, not displeased, to have someone come alongside and take care of his family… Brent does this very well. Intentionally seeking ways to honor Lynn and come alongside in caring support and with godly wisdom.
In the last few weeks, I have been greatly humbled, my heart just now adjusting to caring for another man, my mind just now adjusting to the idea of possibly stepping into a new and different life with a new and different man. A man also called of God. A man also of integrity and wisdom. A man also full of mission and passion for God's kingdom... God's hand was so providential in bringing us together, that it was impossible to ignore. I want to trust God's timing, but admit that I've definitely been in over my head. It definitely felt like too much, too soon, while at the same, it was like a gift that was saving my life. Looking back, (only a few months!!!), my emotions were so all over the place… I wish I had been in a better place to have better awareness and control over my emotions. But, quite honestly, without Brent's support in the last few months, I don't see how I would have been capable of climbing the mountains I have in my own strength. I was growing weak, needing a push to keep me going, to get me up in the morning, some direction from God that was more than an elusive vision about the future… Something tangible to take my hand and pull me up and on in life… I needed help. Brent is a "catalyst" that tends to thrust people forward towards God and into their calling and fullest potential in Christ. Perhaps that is exactly the sort of man I need… :)
There are a lot of things about this relationship that I can't wrap my head around... For one, if this is God's plan and He continues to lead this relationship forward, than the very vision that brought Lynn and I together, about being up on a platform teaching and serving as one ministry team under heavy anointing (is that okay to share??), could actually be realized with Brent. What is that about?!?!?!? How does a woman's heart grapple with God's providential plan in such a circumstance?? Another, is the dual anointing I used to struggle with, for both teaching and music ministry. I felt like almost two completely different people, but equally called and passionate about both ministry expressions… Now, I look back and see the beautiful oneness Lynn and I shared musically and how that was our primary shared passion in ministry together. And now with Brent, it would be my heart and passion for teaching the Word and writing, that would be our shared heart and passion in ministry together. Both have always been a part of me…
Do you know the movie, The Inn-Laws, with Michael Douglas and Ryan Reynolds?? Well, near the end, after the wedding day has been ruined, the reception tent flooded by a massive, post-explosion ocean wave, the groom (Ryan Reynolds) looks to the bride (Lindsay Sloane) and nervously asks, How ya doing? Are you ok?? Being the kind, gentle type who typically buries her emotions, she replies sweetly, Well, I have a few questions… Like, WHAT THE HE** IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?!?!
I realize I sort of just swore… But sometimes, that just IS how I feel!! There is mixed sense of being responsible for the decisions and steps I take, moment by moment, that will decide my path in life, while also recognizing this totally out of my hands providential God-story that my life is being woven up into...
Around our table, there used to be 4 chairs. The one empty chair always reminding us of the husband and father that once sat with us as a family of 4… But in life's happenings and the shifting around of chairs, we ended up with 5 chairs at the table one day. I thought nothing of it, but nothing gets past those girls…! Their dinner conversation (a condensed version) went like this:
Alea, That chair is Daddy's chair. If Daddy was here, that's where he would sit. But there's another empty chair? Who is that one for?
Roya, This other chair I think could be for someone else… Like a visitor or something.
Alea, Yeah! Like Addison, or Jewel… (referring to cousins)
Roya, Or MAYBE… Mr. Brent!!
Alea, *heavy sigh, I really hope he becomes my new Daddy…
Adding another makes us 5. Sort of mind-boggling.