Saturday, May 31, 2014

The One and the One.

On Lynn's birthday, I indulged myself in the past. I leaned back and sank deep beneath the waves of sorrow and loss, allowing memory after memory to wash over me...

In that place, I wrote these words... I still feel like your [Lynn's] wife.

It is important to me that I provide more context to the struggle that gave expression to those words... It is a simple struggle. One between past and present... A struggle of letting go, and living in "TODAY" (a prophetic proclamation, Heb 4:7).

"TODAY" is where I am fully present in the Presence of the Most High God, living and breathing in His rest, His perfect peace... "TODAY" is where I am alive to Him, keeping in step with His Spirit, steady and faithful, in tune and aware of His voice of guidance, wisdom, and truth... "TODAY" is where my girls are living and breathing, feeling and thinking. They are not living in the past. They alive to the present... Our breath is in "TODAY". And "TODAY", is where I am not Lynn's wife, but I am, in time, preparing to be someone else's.

There are so many people who knew Lynn and I together. Who recognize Lynn as such a huge part of my past... So many people honour him and honour me by keeping his memory alive...

I am torn right now. Remembering the "deceased" is so crucial and important to the bereaved. But still, it is not supposed to bind a living person to the past, a hindrance or bondage that keeps them from stepping fully into "TODAY"...

This has been my wrestle. "TODAY" I am dating towards marriage with Oliver Brent Dongell. I am absolutely falling in love with him and see God's hand all over our relationship. It is complicated. I am still grieving. In some ways, it is very "soon", though there is no acceptable or "normal" timeline. 

When I married Lynn, he was "the One". I always said it was like two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together; we were so "meant for each other". We were bound in the oneness of marriage and call. This is an intensely deep union, for anyone who knows it. Oneness in marriage and oneness in call...

If (when) I marry Brent, he is "the One". We will be bound together in the oneness of marriage and call. An intensely deep union that echoes the many harmonies of God's redemptive plan, the fullness of our salvation in Him, His perfect love and never-ending grace...

I am in transition. I was with "the One" and now I am preparing to be with "the One". Two completely different men. Two completely different unions.

Some days, it just leaves my heart and mind a dizzy mess.

I am learning how to be at peace with a life that I cannot understand. There is nothing I can do about it. I didn't mean to be in this predicament. I didn't ever imagine that Lynn would die, so stubborn he was about our 75 year marriage contract... But here I am, being called into "TODAY", down a new path, into a new union, with a same/old and new call... but with a different man. My future "the One".

Lynn was the One, and Brent will be the One. And right now, I love them both.

I am somewhere in the middle.

4 comments:

  1. Sanding and saluting, precious girl!!

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  2. And it is SO okay to love them both. Lynn was your 'Past', and in your precious daughters, will always be part of 'Today'. Brent is 'Today', and God willing, will be your 'Future" as well. "The Lord taketh away, AND the Lord giveth-BLESSED be the name of the Lord."

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  3. I love how you express your inner turmoil. It is quite the journey you are taking us on. I so appreciate your beautiful imagery and vulnerable heart in sharing it. You keep stepping one day at a time.

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  4. Joanna ChristiansonJune 5, 2014 at 7:59 PM

    Reading this Natasha, I was reminded of when my husband thought it was time we have a second child and I was so enjoying my first that I "didn't feel I had room in my heart" for another. In time, I felt ready, and realized that the heart has room to love many more than it's "firsts". I'm sure you love your girls equally and endlessly. So it can be for your passed and future husband. You've come such a long way - so happy for you.

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