Thursday, November 22, 2012

Moving mountains.

Today, my Roya girl started school. :)  I had been wanting her in the K4 program at the Christian school, two days a week, and in the last couple of weeks, it all came together!  I am so proud of her!  She received a beautiful welcome from her teacher and classmates and it was everything I could do not to ball my eyes out!  She sat at her new desk with her name on it with nervous excitement.  I waited outside the classroom window, hoping she'd glance my way one last time for a little smile of reassurance... Sure enough she did and her eyes lit up as we exchanged glances.  Oh, my girl... you're all gown up!!!! :)

Alea's been settled in her preschool class for a while now, two mornings a week, but continues to ask for dance lessons.  She was enamored with Roya's new school this morning, and with every building we passed she seemed to ask, Is that my new dance school???

The last month or two (however long...) I have made it my mission to "build a new ground beneath my family".  My daughters needed to feel loved, cared for, and secure even in the midst of our traumatic loss.  I feel like it has taken all of my strength, every last drop of it, and feel exhausted beyond anything I have ever known... but I think we're doing it.  The girls are sleeping better at night, have a pretty consistent routine, and seem comfortable and confident in their activities... I've been so encouraged by the comments from outsiders looking in (my friend Liz being one of them) who see the change in our grief and family environment.

Paperwork and to do's will always take up a lot of my life, but I am so thankful the bulk of "transition" paperwork is mostly done.  I don't feel like I need to carry a folder of death certificates around in my purse anymore. :)  (Seriously.)

I finally made it back to our house church and hope to build this important fellowship back into our routine.  This was a hard step for me, as it was one of the most precious areas of mine and Lynn's ministry together.  It was one of the only times we were together as a family, ministering in our gifts as one (though not perfectly...).  I miss that.  But it was so good to be back, and the new location is lovely :)

I feel like we have moved mountains in our family in just a few short months... but I know there are more mountains ahead.  December will be hard.  I don't want to do a lot.  I just want to continue providing a loving home for my girls, get through all the firsts December brings, and then breathe again when it's over...

Then, maybe I'll be able to face the largest mountain of all that seems to loom high and large and wide on the path ahead... Sunday morning church.  For a number of complicated reasons, this mountain seems the most treacherous.  It is inevitable.  I will face it.  But I cannot seem to face it at the same time as so many other smaller ones.  It's just too big, too much at once... I hope to write more on that in the future, though I have already tried unsuccessfully in the past.  I will get there.  Just not today.

Today, is American Thanksgiving!  Roya's first day of school, Thanksgiving at the Schrock's house, and then another visit from my Mom and two beautiful nieces, Destiny and Jewel (who I think are anxious to meet our kitty!).

I am so blessed by my friends and family!  HAPPY THANKSGIVING AMERICAN LOVED ONES!!!!!


  1. Hi Natasha, it's Sarah Wiedmaier. I have been so touched by your posts. Thank you for sharing what I can only imagine is difficult to share. It has really helped me feel like I am better able to know how you are doing, and how I can pray for you. I had a dream last night that we happened to be in the same place at the same time and you walked by me and I wasn't expecting to see you and I ran up to you and interrupted someone who was talking to you (how rude of me)and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I don't know when I'll see you again." I gave you a big hug (and you hugged me back and didn't seem to freaked out, thankfully :)), and I said I'm praying for you and I love you. And if I could be with you in real life that is exactly what I would do. I don't know why, but I just wanted you to know that. Your kitten is so cute, and I am so glad that you are starting to see your mission of building a new foundation under your family come to be. You can count on my prayers and love, even from far away!

  2. Hi Natasha,

    I have been following your blog, and it is like a book one cannot put down. Facinated by your writing, interest in you and your girl's lives, and so encouraged by your faith, hope, and love! And a cat!!!! I am not a cat person, but they can be calming....just to hear them purrr while stroking their head, or back....makes you relax.

    The other night I saw your girls at the water fountain, laughing and having was so wonderful to see. Such "normal" little girls who looked like they had no great grief to deal with...not at this moment.

    You have to be so proud of yourself for being so strong for them, and putting them first. Lynn is watching I know, and is proud of the woman you are becoming....different then the one he knew and loved. Actually he probably knew already how strong you are.

    Yes I do go to Immanuel and love seeing you with your big smile. God bless your new life and someday may you find a peace within your heart, not the peace of God, but a peace of a woman who has lost her husband. (I guess it is the same???)

    Keep writing, and I hope you incorporate these blogs into a book. It will not only give hope to those who have lost a spouse, but will give renewed hope to those who have just lost hope.

    My prayers are for you and your girls....yup I will pray the kitten makes it too!!!