Heavy fog.
Crushing fatigue.
It's like every space in my life that had been filled by my husband is now a massive dark cloud, thick and heavy, sapping me of strength and the optimism I once had.
Depression is real and scary!
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10)
There's a lot I'd like to say to the Christian community about this... I've not fallen or backslidden or lost faith. Logically, I can ascent to the fact that I'm pretty much on track according to other widows and what my resources tell me. Should I assume that because of my faith I get to skip the grief stage of depression? I don't think so.
I think because of my faith, I can choose life in the through. And therefore know that mercy is coming in the morning, that His grace is sufficient, that in my weakness He is strong.
Lamentations, a book of the Bible, seems almost discarded by the Christian community. And yet, it depicts depression with depth and accuracy. Why do Christians frown upon and have to hide some of the most basic of our human emotions? Can't we let God meet us there? Can't we realize that God is big enough to handle our raw emotions?
In grief, I can attest that I have little control over my emotions!! I am deeply wounded and discouraged. But rather than avoid or ignore these real emotions, I think the key is, and we often need others' help, to choose life in the through. Every day is a step. I will not stay here, I am moving forward, one day at a time, knowing beauty will rise out of these ashes (Steven Curtis Chapman, Beauty Will Rise).
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
(Lamentations 3:19-23)
I think many -- perhaps most -- Christians do not understand depression. Many think that if you just "put your trust in Jesus" you would be "fine." Dear sister, as one who speaks from experience of walking thru deep waters of depressions, I understand. Maybe not about losing a dear husband, but the feelings of depression. I continue to pray for you. You ARE ok... Keep walking...
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you Natasha as you walk through this very real stage of greiving...
ReplyDeleteNow I know that when I was compelledto pray for you last evening (in the midst of a hymn sing) that I had the impression that you must be very tired. It takes as long as it takes. Your friends will keep praying you through.God is faithful.
ReplyDeleteJanice
I had a close friend tell me one time, that God is strong enough to handle whatever emotional turmoil we go through. If we feel compelled to rejoice, we rejoice. If we feel compelled to yell and scream and cry, then we do so. There is no sense in hiding what we feel from God, because He already knows us so very well. He knows that your heart aches, that you are walking through the shadows of depression, and He will walk with you through it, bringing you out on the other side of it.
ReplyDelete"Out of these ashes, beauty will rise."
Love you, as always, and praying for you still. As Dee said, keep walking, dear sister. xoxo
Over the weekend I was thinking ALOT about my brokenness. I wrote about feeling as though I am wearing a tag that says "as is", knowing that when we see something with that on it we assume it has less value because it may be scratched or cracked. There are many things that have more value because it shows its true character, and we as humans are just that, when we can be honest with ourselves enough to be real. At the end I wrote:
ReplyDeleteI guess being broken is not really the issue, it's about my view on my brokenness it's about being in a community where I feel comfortable or maybe even vulnerable enough to be real about my brokenness knowing despite my brokenness I am love for being me. I am broken. I am beautiful -AS IS :) so I say to you, you Natasha are loved, you are broken, you are beautiful AS IS ;)